I have realized something the last day or so. I keep doing it to myself. Over and over again I will be headed toward something good and then I will overthink it, I will over analyze it, and I will read too much into things and interpret something that isn’t even there. All of it is me sabotaging myself, my own happiness, my accomplishments, my relationships with others. All because I suppose I still don’t get that I deserve those things just as much as anyone else around me.
I think fear plays a part in it as well. I’m afraid that if I do well people will expect me to always do well and what happens when I don’t. I’m afraid that when I have some semblance of happiness that something or someone else will come along and just snatch it all away. I’m afraid that if I let people in too far, if I let them get too close, that they will discover that I’m not perfect, or that I’m not like everyone else, and then they won’t care about me anymore and then they’ll leave anyway, so I just push them away first.
I got to thinking in the last couple of days that if I keep doing this, then I really will have no one, and none of my goals will be reached because I’m too afraid of what will happen once I reach them. I can’t keep getting in my own way and staying in my head all the time. It’s not a good thing and while I always felt that I sabotaged my own self in some way I couldn’t see it clearly before a couple of days ago. It wasn’t so obvious to me before as it is now and now I am on that mission to do something about it. I can’t always change my situations or things that just happen and I can’t necessarily change how other people are and their ways but I can change my ways and I can change how I react to things. I can be a better version of myself than what I am now. What does your better version of you look like?
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