If I Knew Then What I Know Now

Note to Self

I have been seeing a lot of Facebook posts and news stories about people making notes to their younger selves, asking what they would warn their younger selves about if they could.  It got me to thinking about what I would say to the younger version of me if I could somehow warn her or prepare her for the journey she will have to endure to get where it is she wants to go.  I would definitely clue her in on the difficulty that she would have along the way.

If I could go back and talk to my younger self I think that I would start by telling her that her childhood and how her mother treated her did not have to be a defining factor for how her life would end up.  I would tell her that while she didn’t get the love and support from her mother that she deserved and longed for, that she was still worthy of being loved and deserving of being supported in all her endeavors.  I would tell her that her mother was wrong about her never having anyone that would love her or care deeply about her and that she was wrong about her not having a good future.

I think I would make sure to tell her that if no one else ever told her that she was beautiful that she needed to look in that mirror every day and let herself know that she was because in the end her opinion and God’s were the only two that mattered.  I probably would tell her that she was a unique and special person and unlike any other and that she needed to carry the knowledge of that with her throughout her journey because there will be people who will make her feel like her uniqueness is somehow wrong.

I would tell my younger self to not waste so much time planning everything out and trying to force everything to go by a specific routine because the best things in her life are going to be unplanned.  I would tell her that her plans for her life are nothing compared to the plans that God has for her so don’t get too upset when what she planned didn’t pan out.  I would tell her that her journey is going to be full of hurdles and obstacles along the way that even though these obstacles seem like signs for you to give up, they’re just the opposite.  I would let her know the that the harder the struggle the more rewarding the payoff will be.

I would open her eyes to the reality that the things that she wants out of life are not just going to happen just like that and that life is going to throw more curveballs than she believes she can handle.  Then I would tell her how strong she is to have already survived the childhood that she has been through and that that is only the beginning of her story.  I will get it through to her that she cannot live in her past pain because if she does she will never experience the joy she has yet to come.

When I was younger I was so in fantasy land about how my life was supposed to turn out.  I thought that if I just set a plan in motion that everything would work out EXACTLY the way that I said they would.  I made no room in my plans for error and mistakes.  I made no allowances for curveballs and mountains that would be placed directly in my path.  I gave no thought to the fact that my plans were not as big as God’s plans for me and the fact that God’s plans, whatever they are, were always going to prevail.  So I guess the most important thing I would have to say I would tell my younger self is to enjoy life, enjoy the journey, embrace the struggle, and to just let go and LET GOD!

 

Jimmetta Carpenter

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I Hear No Differently

hearing no differently

I get so tired of hearing no.  For some people, when they hear No they hear a challenge and it stirs within them motivation. That’s what you should hear when people tell you No.  But that’s not what I hear.

I hear rejection over and over again.  I hear me putting myself out there and putting my heart all in it for nothing.  I hear you’re never going to be as good as them so why bother trying.  I hear you’re never going to be good enough for anyone.  I hear you’re not worthy and you have no value.  It wasn’t always that way.  I used to get fired up by a no and it instilled a desire to prove people wrong.

However, somewhere along the way it weakened me and certain people’s negative words and opinions of me started to seem like they may have had some merit to them.  The negatives began to outweigh the positives and I bought into it.  I keep hearing other people’s success stories and how they heard nothing but no’s until finally that one yes happened that impacted their lives forever.  I read those stories and I think “where the hell is my yes?”

I’ll admit that the better part of last year I literally just gave up (whew, there I said it).  The no’s just bogged me down and sent me into a state of depression and I just didn’t feel like fighting for my dream anymore.  I started to fabricate in my mind that the no’s were a sign telling me that this just wasn’t meant for me and maybe I’m not a talented enough writer to really make it.  I just wasn’t motivated anymore.

The negatives became more believable than the positives because there were just not enough positives to go on.  I kept waiting for something to happen, perhaps a yes would just fall into my lap because I felt like I could no longer just keep putting in my all only to get back nothing.  Luckily for me, my love and passion for writing and for seeing all of my dreams come to fruition never died.  It remained just as strong as it had ever been, it just got pushed down by all of the negative stuff that I was letting cloud my head.

As I stated in my previous post I have recently come to some realizations about myself and in reevaluating a lot of things, truths that weren’t clear and obvious to me before, I see that the yeses weren’t coming because I never truly believed they would.  If I wasn’t going to believe in me how could I expect anyone else to?

Self-evaluation can be really good for you and in my case it kind of woke me up to all of the opportunities that I was missing out on because I didn’t really believe I was good enough to receive them.  I was sabotaging myself with my own self-doubt.  I’m not saying that I won’t still have my days where the doubt creeps in there.  But now that I can see clearer what I was doing to my own dreams I am more aware of what needs to be done to get the yeses that I know I deserve to hear.

Of course there will be more no’s along with way but I have to keep in mind that if I hear a no it’s because God has something better and that it wasn’t for me to begin with.  Are your own doubts and fears getting the better of you too?  Just keep in mind that every door is not meant for you to open.

 

Jimmetta Carpenter

My Write 2 Be is…

CEO/Writer/Editor

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No More Self-Sabotage

Don't stand in my own way

I have realized something the last day or so. I keep doing it to myself. Over and over again I will be headed toward something good and then I will overthink it, I will over analyze it, and I will read too much into things and interpret something that isn’t even there. All of it is me sabotaging myself, my own happiness, my accomplishments, my relationships with others. All because I suppose I still don’t get that I deserve those things just as much as anyone else around me.

I think fear plays a part in it as well. I’m afraid that if I do well people will expect me to always do well and what happens when I don’t. I’m afraid that when I have some semblance of happiness that something or someone else will come along and just snatch it all away. I’m afraid that if I let people in too far, if I let them get too close, that they will discover that I’m not perfect, or that I’m not like everyone else, and then they won’t care about me anymore and then they’ll leave anyway, so I just push them away first.

I got to thinking in the last couple of days that if I keep doing this, then I really will have no one, and none of my goals will be reached because I’m too afraid of what will happen once I reach them. I can’t keep getting in my own way and staying in my head all the time. It’s not a good thing and while I always felt that I sabotaged my own self in some way I couldn’t see it clearly before a couple of days ago. It wasn’t so obvious to me before as it is now and now I am on that mission to do something about it. I can’t always change my situations or things that just happen and I can’t necessarily change how other people are and their ways but I can change my ways and I can change how I react to things. I can be a better version of myself than what I am now. What does your better version of you look like?

 

Jimmetta Carpenter

My Write 2 Be is…

CEO/Writer/Editor

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New Year, New Goals, New Deadlines

Goals are dreams with deadlines

It’s a New Year and I am a little late at getting started on my goals, one of them being returning back to my normal blogging style.  It seems I was thrown a major obstacle in the first week of it being a new year.  I had been anticipating this year and all of the things that I hope that it holds for me but I didn’t factor in that for great rewards there will more than likely be even greater struggles.  It is so much easier said than done to just “get over it” and not let whatever the issues you are facing bother you.  It’s particularly hard when you feel like every time you start being able to stay afloat some circumstance comes along to push you right back underwater again.

I have made plans for the New Year and set my expectations for myself and once again I am afraid that I might have been a bit too ambitious.  However, I am going to do my best to make those goals happen and despite how this year is starting off I am going to try my hardest to make the most of it.  This is my first blog post of the New Year and I am excited to see what this year has in store for me in my writing career and every other aspect of my life.  Hope all of your New Year’s goals are set and that you aren’t as late getting started on them as I am.

 

Jimmetta Carpenter

My Write 2 Be is…

CEO/Writer/Editor

Write 2 Be Media/Write 2 Be Magazine

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