Often times I wonder (too often to actually count) if I made the right decision by choosing not to go back into the traditional work force as most single parents do and make that steady and stable income every other week. I mean let’s face it, it’s not as if I have hit it big or anything and if I want to get real honest I am not doing as well in my writing career as I thought I would be by now, or that I know I should be doing.
I think of all the things I want to buy for my daughter and the activities that I would like to put her in to enhance her creative nature that I just can’t afford right now and I wonder what the hell am I doing and I constantly wonder am I completely screwing her life up by not just accepting the fact that this just isn’t working and maybe it’s just not for me. I mean it’s not like it wouldn’t be nice to have a steady and predictable stream of income coming in that I know I can count on.
But then yesterday morning as I was getting my daughter ready for daycare (it acts as a camp during the summer) she said ‘thank you mommy’. I asked her what she was thanking me for and she replied ‘for taking such good care of me’. She said that I am always there when she needs me. She almost brought me to tears and I was so touched. She made me feel like the choice not to go back to a traditional job and stay home with her, all while still pursuing my dreams of making what I love to do my career, was totally worth it. Yesterday, just her appreciation of me, let me know that it was the right decision, for me anyway.
It is all the more motivation to let me know that I have to have less moments of procrastination and more moments of productivity because I have to make this work, I have to do what I know in my heart I was meant to do. Not just because I love doing it and it is my passion, but because being able to write and become more successful at it makes moments like yesterday with my daughter even more possible.
It would make it more of a certainty that I will continue to always be here when she needs me and that I will always take very good care of her. More importantly it will show her that you can go after your dreams and make it work even though everyone else around you may be telling you that you’re crazy for ever thinking this could work and to be more realistic. I want her to not be afraid to go after her dreams and to not have to think that going after her dreams is going to do more harm then good.
So in an effort to procrastinate less and produce more, I am going to make it a point to accomplish at least three things every week (3 is a nice workable number) to get me further along in my writing career. Whether it is actually working on my novel (which is still not finished) or just getting those query letters that I keep trying to make perfect sent out so someone can actually see them. Even if it is just gathering research for a particular project, that is still working towards the end goal of finishing that project. I think that is a goal that I can work with and actually stick to.
Until I do make things happen the way that I want them to, I have to work on tuning that voice in the back of my mind that questions if things would’ve been better if I had made another choice. Fact of the matter is that I will never know the answer to that because I chose to do me and not what someone else might have thought I should do. I’m certainly not going to become the success that I want to be by doing what everyone else thinks I should.
The Diary: Succession of Lies (Now Available)
Writing as “Jaycee Durant”