I know that it is National Novel Writing Month and I am supposed to be participating. I had a plan, I signed up, and even tried to motivate myself to focus on doing it. Nevertheless, I have not written anything on the novel that I was supposed to be finishing (that truthfully should have been finished by now) and to add to the lack of production, I have not done a very good job lately of keeping up with this blog which I love.
I tried to pinpoint the reasons behind my recent lack of motivation towards writing in general, thinking that for some time it has been my focus and determination to finish up my degree that was enabling my laziness when it came to my writing. But now that I am finished with my Master’s degree (and have time to contemplate whether or not I want to enter the doctorate program) I thought for sure this would be the perfect time to get back into high gear with all of my writing efforts.
Sadly, that has not been how it was been working out. I have felt so un-motivated to write anything, and feeling a lot like what I say doesn’t matter. I’ve been mostly feeling a little depressed that my writing career hasn’t evolved into what I thought it would have already been by now. I even mentally entertained the idea that there could be a possibility, that somehow I was not cut out to be a writer like I had dreamed about since the age of 6 and that maybe all this time I thought that God was instructing me that this was my calling and maybe I was wrong, maybe I assumed what I wanted to assume and that wasn’t what my calling was at all. I even entertained the reasoning that my heart just wasn’t in it anymore, that maybe the amount of rejection for my (what I always thought was talented) writing had somehow hardened me and that I just couldn’t muster up the energy to try it anymore.
All of those thoughts have been running through my mind and life throwing other monumental curveballs at me in the interim has added its share of unproductiveness. But then I think of the fact that if that were truly the case, if it truly was not in me to do anymore, if this truly was not the calling that I had always perceived it to be, that I wouldn’t still have so many (good) ideas that flow through my mind and so many ways that I feel I can use my writing, my words to implement things that will not only change my life but the lives of the other people around me.
My whole message for Write 2 Be is to instill empowerment to people, in particular to children who are constantly told that they can never be what it is that they want to be, that there is nothing that they can’t do with the willpower and determination to make it happen. Sometimes I have to remind myself that even when it seems like what I am trying to do doesn’t matter, that it does, and not just to me, not just for my daughter, but for anyone who has ever felt discouraged and who has ever been overrun by their fears of never being able to be what it is they feel that they were truly meant to be. I can’t say why my motivation has dwindled these past several months, but I know that I am definitely not throwing in the towel on my dreams and on my purpose.
I feel like I needed to write this because I get the feeling that I am not the only one of you out there who has had these feelings and these doubts. I suppose the hardest part of feeling the fear and doubt in yourself is thinking that you are all alone in thinking what others are too afraid to say out loud. So this is me thinking out loud and hoping that it helps the rest of you who might be thinking the same thoughts and feeling the same way know that someone else gets it too.
Jimmetta Carpenter
My Write 2 Be is…
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