I was sitting here wondering what to write about tonight? Honestly right now all I feel is a sense of loss. No, no one in my family or close to me died but in some ways I am wondering if the best part of me did. I was just asking my best friend Ms. L. last night whether or not she remembered the times when she would call me and I would rush her off the phone telling her that ‘I have to call you back because I’m writing and I have to get this out’. She said that she remembered that very well. I asked her where did that person go and she simply responded, ‘she’ll be back’.
For as long as I could remember I have wanted to be a writer and have books upon books out on shelves and change the world with my words. But that wasn’t all that I had hoped for. I wanted to be immersed in creativity from singing and acting and even dancing. More importantly I wanted to be a symbol for why the arts and creativity is so necessary in this world.
I don’t know whether I just got so bogged down by the many people that were in my life telling me that I couldn’t do what I always felt I was meant to do. I don’t know if I just got tired of being rejected and not having the resources I needed to make my dreams a reality. I don’t know if there’s just some part of me that just got tired of fighting for those dreams.
As I sit here, still mentally thinking up ideas for my next story, I am still unable to finish the novel that I have been working on since the end of last year. While I know there are tons of query letters that I need to send out to agents for the second novel I have already done (which is with my editor), I can’t seem to craft the perfect one to send out. Although I have dozens of ideas for articles to write and even articles that I’ve already written that I need to write query letters for, I still find myself scared that the query letters won’t be perfect enough to get accepted.
So what happened to the fighter that I had in me ready to do whatever it took? What happened to the person who was prepared to stay up however long it took to get the work done? What happened to that person who, when she didn’t have what she needed, made up the resources where there weren’t any, just to fulfill her purpose? I know that she’s still in there somewhere. I just don’t know where the fight in me went.
What I do know is that the passion is still there. The desire is still there. I still wake up with stories in my head and new ideas for the stories I have yet to finish. I still mentally am working on my vision for my media and publishing company. I am still dreaming up ideas for the creativity camp that I want to create for kids so that they understand just how important the arts are to have in their lives. I know that my dreams haven’t changed and they haven’t faded away. I just need to dig that fighter in me back out.
The Diary: Succession of Lies (Now Available)
Writing as “Jaycee Durant”