Yesterday was the beginning of a very bad week for me. I won’t really get into the specifics but let’s just say I have never felt more like the walls are closing in on me than I do at this moment. As I thought my life couldn’t get any worse, it happened to actually get worse. My best friend was trying to keep me positive and remind me to still have hope but I have honestly never felt more hopeless than I do right now. It seems like nothing is working out the way that I wanted it to (the way I feel it should be working out) and everything that was giving me some semblance of hope is crumbling in over top of me.
But I still have to put on a smile for my daughter because no matter how much I feel that things are falling apart. I always tell her that how her day turns out has a lot to do with the way she trains her mind to think in the beginning of that day. That if you get up and have the conviction that it is going to be a positive day, then most likely it will be, and the same goes for the negative side of that coin. I found myself having to repeat that to her again last night and I found myself thinking (as I have many times before when giving advice to others) thinking that I really should learn to take my own advice to heart.
So we went skating last night and for a moment I forgot the horrible day that I had and the problems that were mounting against me. Of course I remembered when I came home and certainly it was on my mind when I woke up this morning but I tried my best to put my frame of mind in the positive column and not the negative. It helped that I managed to put some of my stress into my treadmill time this morning at the gym.
Today I can’t honestly say that I have had my hope restored and that I believe that everything is going to work out just fine. What I can say is that I was listening to my best friend Ms. L. last night when she told me to just focus on jumping into action to make everything better rather than sit around with the conviction that it’s never going to get better. I hate when she’s right but it happens so often that I am used to it by now.
That is what it means to have good supportive friends in your corner. When you are in that place where you have forgotten that the struggle is really worth your fight, it is good to have someone remind you that everything that you have been working hard towards is not for nothing. Just when you think the walls are crumbling all around you, it’s nice to have someone there who will help you to remove the rubble.
The Diary: Succession of Lies (Now Available)
Writing as “Jaycee Durant”