I stay in my own head a lot. I talk myself out of a lot of things, out of opportunities. I tell myself that it won’t happen before even knowing whether it will or not. I convince myself that I’m not good enough or deserving enough. It’s an extremely terrible habit and one that developed from the negative words cast on me in my childhood, but it’s one that I am trying to break. I think that I do that so that if things don’t happen the way I wanted or expected them to I will be less devastated or disappointed by it. However, I have discovered that rejection is not any less painful or devastating just because you prepped your mind for it.
In all actuality, I have realized that that is just a defense mechanism that I need to get away from. It is my subconscious way of sabotaging myself that I didn’t even know I was doing until I started to really try and work on myself and building up that confidence that I seem to lack. I struggle to live up to the potential that I know I have because I so desperately need not to fail. When you feel like you have been failing most of your life (even if that’s not the reality) the last thing you want to continue to do is fail. However, when I put into perspective that not reaching a particular goal is not failure but rather a stepping stone on the way to succeeding then it almost makes failing seem like more of an accomplishment.
When I think of all of the success stories that inspire me, people who have gotten to the place where I am journeying to, I am reminded of all of their failures that were made on their way to finally succeeding. Without those failures they may have never actually achieved the things they set out to do and they most certainly would not appreciate all that it took to get to the point they are at now. I guess it is humbling to get to the top of a jagged road with a lot of bumps, bruises, potholes, and other obstacles thrown in your way rather than the straight road with no detours that you had in your head when you dreamt up those dreams.
I guess I have to stop asking myself do I really have what it takes to make this dream happen and give myself permission to let go of that idea of a straight road, permission to embrace all of the bruises and bumps and potholes as battle scars to be proud of for when I do reach the destination on my journey. I guess I have to give myself credit for how quickly I bounce back and recover from those moments of so-called failures and view them as accomplishing the goal of not staying down when I get knocked on my butt. It’s not the fall that will cripple a person’s drive to succeed, but rather it is how long it takes them to get back up and get back at the grind of making that dream happen.
The most important thing is that you get up and don’t just lay there waiting for someone else to help you back to your feet. Waiting on anyone else to help you with your dreams could result in you never getting back up to move towards them. Take those battle scars that you are accumulating and wear them proudly because when you look back on your journey those scars are going to be there to remind you of just how badly you want to succeed and of everything you went through to make it happen. Those reflections will ensure that you never take for granted the journey you took and that you appreciate even more the victory that has taken place.
Jimmetta Carpenter
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