“Have the courage to follow your dreams. It’s the first step towards attaining your destiny.”
I was reading a post on a new blog I stumbled on earlier this morning (The Write Life) and it got me thinking about all of the energy and time and money (although not enough of it) and emotions that I have put into my writing and trying to become more successful and get my name out there. It made me wonder if it has all just been a waste of time and whether or not my time would be better spent working some 9 to 5 job sitting behind some desk typing memos, making copies, and running errands for some boss that I bitch and moan about to my friends as soon as I step foot in my door.
Perhaps I should have continued to work to build up someone else’s business and continue being frustrated at the lack of time it allowed me to spend with my daughter. I certainly would have more money to my name than I do now. I certainly wouldn’t be in a state of perpetual struggle wondering what happens if I don’t have a client, or what happens if I don’t sell my books. I wouldn’t be in a position where I have to rely on my ability to be fearless (which most days isn’t present) just to be able to put my name out there and get my work seen by the right people (or people who know the right people).
If I had only chosen some other profession that held a more stable foundation and didn’t provide so much uncertainty, then I might be able to take trips to wherever I want, or throw huge wonderful birthday parties for my daughter, or buy clothes for my daughter as soon as she needs them, or not always be a month behind in paying bills. I think about the fact that I would be a lot less stressed if I just had a steady stream of income and didn’t choose to go full force at trying to make this thing happen and decide that I wanted to be an at home (or work at home) mother for my daughter.
A lot of times (more times than I would care to admit) I have those questions run through my head. Always wondering if I’m a bad mom for choosing my dream over the comfort-ability that lies in always knowing for certain when the next pay check is coming. But after all of the doubts and fears are swept away, I think about all of the time that I have had with my daughter that I would’ve had to give up and the frustration that I would have continued to feel because I wasn’t able to fully give my writing the attention it needed or deserved when I was working for someone else, and I believe that I have made the right choice, at least the right one for me.
I know that there are plenty of writers out there who do have a regular9 to 5job in which writing coincides with and I applaud them. I admire the balance that they are able to have and still maintain their sanity. I just wasn’t one of those people who could do that.
Now no one may understand my choice that I made years ago to never go back to working for someone else (at least not in fields and professions that didn’t have anything to do with my passion for writing). They may see my struggling as proof that it is not the way for them to go about it. They may (and most likely do) think that I am crazy for not choosing the certainty of knowing when the money is coming in. They may be right.
However, when I see the happiness that my daughter feels knowing that I’m going to be the one taking her to school and picking her up and helping her with her homework, I know that I must have done something right. When I see how proud she is to know her mom is a writer and being able to encourage her to follow her dreams knowing that I followed mine, it makes me feel like its all worth it; all of the uncertainty and the struggle. There will always be days when I think that I am wasting my time, where I wonder if what I’m doing really makes a difference, but I just have to remember to take a step back and look at what I have already accomplished and know in my heart that I made the best decision, for the both of us.
The Diary: Succession of Lies (Now Available)
Writing as “Jaycee Durant”