Growing Pains

Growing Pains post 2

So yesterday was Valentine’s Day and oddly enough it got me to thinking about how much I’ve grown. I can remember a time where Valentine’s Day made me anxious. Was I going to be alone on the day of love or was I going to have someone to share it with that particular year? At the stage in my life where it bothered me if I didn’t have a valentine I did not love myself enough yet, hell most days back then I didn’t even like myself (I’m talking late teens and early twenties here), and then whether or not I did like myself usually depended on what someone else thought of me. I didn’t realize it then because people didn’t talk about stuff like mental health but I had already begun my dance with depression and I needed validation from others to feel some sense of self worth.

So needless to say Valentine’s Day has never been one of my favorite days because it was either a really extreme high (because I had someone that year) or an even more extreme low (because I didn’t and I had my mother’s voice echoing in my head telling me no one would ever want me). I don’t bring any of that up to be all sad and depressive, only to point out that I truly have grown. I said a couple of years ago that I was starting a journey in which I wanted to be by myself for a while and grow my relationship with God and the one I have with myself, that I wanted to start to love myself a lot better and treat myself better than anyone else could ever treat me.

Now because I’m a mother and almost every time my daughter and what she needs will come first I don’t always succeed at treating myself to nice things or even pampering myself at all, but I have improved my love of myself and I have (at least I believe I have) strengthened my relationship with God which has also in turn provided even more self awareness and allowed me to see in myself what God sees in me, what HE has always seen in me. For me valentine’s day is no longer about whether I have someone in my life special or not because I know that I always have someone special in my everyday life and that is me (and of course my child but you get the point) and that’s enough.

I’m still growing and there are still improvements that I am making within myself and within my relationship with God but I can truly say that I have a peace within me now that I don’t think I’ve ever had before and I love it. I don’t look at Valentine’s Day with disdain anymore and it doesn’t make me sad like it once did so many years ago. I think that my growth in terms of self acceptance and my spiritual growth has spilled over into my writing career and the journey of fulfilling my purpose and I believe that it will continue to nurture those areas of my life. It’s funny how we rush so fast in our teens and early twenties to grow up without realizing that our growth never really stops, or at least it shouldn’t. I hope that I’m always growing, that we are always growing because there is always so much more to the next stage of life then what we learned on the last.

Jimmetta Carpenter

Writer/Editor

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Happy Anti-Valentine’s Day!

Happy Anti Valentine's Day

Okay, so I am not a Valentine’s Day fan at all.  It has never really worked out to be a good day for me and this year, once again, I do not have a Valentine.  I keep thinking that by now some wonderful man would have figured out by now how awesome I am and how I would make the best mate that he could ever meet, but so far, it hasn’t happened yet.  So I remain sour on the whole Valentine’s Day thing.  So I wrote a poem about how I feel about this day and how I feel about people who tell me that I don’t need a Valentine because I have me.  Now please don’t judge the poem too harshly because I haven’t written one in a very long time.  Hope you enjoy!

 

I Don’t Need a Valentine, But I Want One

I like my time to myself

I don’t need to be with someone else

I know that I will be fine on my own

I know that I am never truly alone

All those cliché things people say

So they can soothe you for that day

Yes I know that I don’t need a Valentine

But it doesn’t change the fact that I want one

If I tell the truth which is that I am lonely

Then somehow people think that I don’t love me

Suddenly I don’t see how special I am to others

Just because I wouldn’t mind having an everyday lover

Just because I’m comfortable with being alone

I wouldn’t mind having someone to make my house a home

Yes I am quite aware that I don’t need to have a Valentine

But it doesn’t change the fact that I want one

I would like to be able to wake up with my lover by my side

A person who I can be myself with and never have to hide

Someone who I can feel free to share all of my dreams

A person who I know we will always be on the same team

Yes while I know that I don’t need anyone else to validate me

I would love for a man to finally see what it is that we could be

I understand that I don’t need to have a Valentine

But it doesn’t change the fact that I want one

So while Valentine’s Day can be a joy to most

A day for others to publicly display their love and boast

All it reminds me of is what I don’t currently possess

The truest kind of love, a different kind of happiness

Sometimes it would just be nice to not have to walk alone

For someone to choose me to be the one that they call their home

Yes I do love myself and I know that I don’t need a Valentine

But it’s not going to change the fact that I want one.

© Jimmetta Carpenter

Jimmetta Carpenter

My Write 2 Be is…

CEO/Writer/Editor

Write 2 Be Media/Write 2 Be Magazine

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Happy Love Day

I know Valentine’s Day is almost over but I couldn’t let the entire day go by without at least a few words and then it’s back to work on the Magazine.  Of course this is a day for showing just how much you love that special someone in your life.  But don’t forget to do something special for yourself, and it doesn’t have to be today, but just be reminded today that you do need to show yourself that special attention sometimes too.  In addition, don’t forget to show your love for your writing career and your writing in general.

If you’ve started to forget why you are working so hard at this, do something that reminds you just how much you love writing and why.  Write in a journal, write something that you’re not doing as an assignment, write something that is different from what you normally do, just do something to reignite that deep love that you have for the craft of writing.  So don’t take your loved ones for granted, don’t take yourself for granted, and don’t take your writing career for granted.  Happy Love Day everyone!

 

Jimmetta Carpenter

Writer/Editor

The Diary: Succession of Lies (Now Available)

Writing as “Jaycee Durant”

https://write-2-be.com/

http://unpleasantlyplump.wordpress.com/

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