I spent a lot of time when I was little planning out my life and what I was going to do and be. I even had time frames for certain things such as when I was going to become a New York Times staff writer and when I was going to get married and have children. But I wasn’t always so optimistic about how my life would turn out.
I grew up in an abusive home with a mother who was physically, mentally, and emotionally abusive and there were honestly days when I just didn’t want to wake up the next morning. I will even admit that I tried to make it so I wouldn’t wake up multiple times and would get angry with God when it didn’t work. I wondered why I was still here to go through the nightmare that I had to endure on a daily basis.
Now that I am at the stage I am at in my life, which admittedly is not where I had hoped to be at this age, I can see exactly why it never worked. God gave me a responsibility and a purpose. The purpose was to influence and empower people with my words and the responsibility was my beautiful and wonderfully intelligent daughter who I just know is here to change the world in big ways that I can’t even begin to see yet.
I was watching an episode of Tyler Perry’s House of Payne last week and it was something said that really struck a chord with me. The father was telling his son (who after being shot and almost killed wished that he had just died) that God sometimes gives us responsibilities just to keep you moving. He gives you those responsibilities along with the strength you need to achieve, and the provisions you need to conquer your problems. But you have to keep moving and keep fighting.
All of these responsibilities that I am stressing and worrying over and sometimes falling apart about were given to me specifically because God clearly saw something in me and believed that I could handle them. Now, looking at things from that perspective, I feel even more special because God must see more strength in me then I can see in myself. If God is going to put faith in me like that then how can I keep questioning him and not put faith in him and trust in his plan and his path that he has laid out for me.
I am writing this today because I felt compelled to. I felt as if there might be someone else out there (besides me) who continues to have questions about why certain burdens were bestowed upon them. It is all for a reason and there is a blessing in every burden, even if you don’t see it yet. I hope that anyone out there going through a rough time right now will trust in God and his reasoning. Until tomorrow…Keep moving forward and keep fighting through it.
The Diary: Succession of Lies (Now Available)
Writing as “Jaycee Durant”