Pride is a funny thing. They tell you to take pride in yourself for so many things but then when you do have pride people tell you the opposite. They say don’t be so prideful that you end up worse off than if you had just swallowed your pride to begin with. If there is anything that this situation I have been going through since the end of May has taught me is that pride really does have to go out the window sometimes because, what’s that other saying I love so much? Oh yeah, closed mouths don’t get fed.

I mean there is truth to that. No one knows you’re struggling or in need if you don’t say anything. Even in the midst of your struggle, people can be misled to think that things are improving and that you may not need as much help anymore if you stay quiet because you’re too scared or worse, too proud to say you still need the help. I have had to ask people for help that I swore I would never ask, because I didn’t want them to know how bad things were and I didn’t want them to think less of me because I needed the help in the first place.

It may sound silly, but I think that’s the hardest thing about all of this for me. I have to swallow my pride and break down and ask for help and it kills me. It makes me feel inferior and less than. It makes me feel worthless and like I’m useless to everyone around me, especially my daughter. Sure, the logical part of me knows that nothing could be further from the truth, but this is a very emotional time for me right now and logic doesn’t always win out. Needless to say, last week was extremely tough for me and I smiled and tried to act like I was okay because I guess I just wanted to pretend that I actually was okay.

But I am not okay. I miss having a home. I miss having my own space. I miss being able to cook my own meals. I miss my desk, even the crappy bed I had that was falling apart. I miss having a place to call home. I miss the peace that I had within my home. I miss my library of books that I probably will never get back because I am getting ready to lose everything that I was able to salvage and put in storage because I can’t keep the storage unit up AND still keep the room my daughter and I have been staying in. I miss the routine that both my daughter and I had, in our own respective spaces in the home that I had for nearly 23 years. I miss the security that having a place of your own provides. I just miss what was.

I’m trying to stay hopeful that I can not only get it all back somehow but gain back more than what I lost but it’s getting harder to hold onto that hope. This is the place that I come to get everything I’m feeling out because holding onto things is how we can make the problems worse. I hope I can get back to a place where I am okay again but today is not that day. Thank you for letting me express myself.

Until next time… #BeMindful #BePatient #BeinFaith

Link to my Ko-fi with the updated goal: https://ko-fi.com/authorjccarpenter

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Link to my Amazon Wish List: https://www.amazon.com/hz/wishlist/ls/3FHOYNA8LFMHG?ref_=list_d_wl_lfu_nav_4