I Was This Close To Just Giving Up

Was going to give up 2

I want to give up. I want to just throw my hands up as I am knocked down by life yet again and admit that I’m just plain tired and that I don’t have any fight left in me anymore. I want to just succumb to being average and stop trying to fulfill this extraordinary shit that I thought was my damn purpose in this world. I want to just stop having faith in the future that I can’t see ahead of me because how do I even know that any of that shit is going to happen anyway, just because I believe that is what is meant for me. I want to just say my mother was right and I am never going to amount to anything. I want to just say the hell with everything because I just can’t keep trying anymore and keep continually being disappointed every time I think everything is about to turn the corner and it doesn’t.

But I was reminded by a friend yesterday (we’ll just call him Mr. J) that I can’t think that way. I can’t have a defeatist mind set. I have to just accept what has happened, or the changes that are occurring, especially the changes that aren’t good, determine the solution, and then fix the problem the best way that I can, the best way that I know how. He reminded me that you can’t just let life knock you down and then lay there and not get back up. If I were to do that, then the devil wins and he is smiling because he knows that he overpowered my will to serve out my purpose.

The devil has been extremely busy with me these past few weeks, hell months, and I’ve been told that when the devil is really busy with you, that not only means that you are doing something right but that you have a hell of a victory coming your way. If that is in fact true then my victory is going to be unbelievably sweet. It’s hard when you fall to not just want to stay down because getting back up is hard, particularly when you keep getting knocked back down before you can even catch your breath and get all the way back up.

I couldn’t have wrote this post yesterday because I felt completely defeated and everything in the first paragraph of this post was what I was feeling and what I was going to accept. However I reminded myself this morning that I am not average, nor am I meant to live anything but an extraordinary life. I am not a quitter, I am a fighter by nature and I could never look at myself in the mirror if I didn’t give this absolutely everything that I’ve got and nothing less. My mother is most certainly not right about me because I will amount to everything that God has predestined for me. And I may not have complete and total faith in mankind and the man-made obstacles that are going to fall in my path but I do have absolute faith in God and his power to remove those obstacles when he sees fit.

I would say that I picked a profession that lends nothing but struggle and rejection (at least in the beginning) to it but it was what I truly believe I was placed on this earth to do. It picked me, or should I say God picked it for me. I just had an opportunity that I felt would’ve been changed a lot of things for me, for the better, pretty much snatched away from me. It was made even worse by the fact that the friend who came to me with the project (admittedly because she knew it could possibly be a game changer for me) didn’t fight for me to stay on the project, as I felt she should have. Everyone wants to say that perhaps that was God’s way of saying that opportunity wasn’t meant for me and I’m still very far off from believing that this opportunity wasn’t meant for me but I will say that I am not going to let this new fall keep me down. It is their loss, not mine.

So if you too have been thinking about giving up this week, or this month, I am here to say I understand exactly how you feel. I also know that if you do, you will never forgive yourself and you will always be left with this feeling of what if. The wondering will end up crippling you because you will forever live in the past trying to guess what would’ve happened if you had just hung in there a little longer. Just don’t quit. Don’t give up. Keep fighting because it won’t always be this hard (I have to believe that) and on the day when everything starts to fall in place you will look back on this time period where you had the crazy notion to give up and be thankful that you didn’t. So just hang in there, the victory is coming!

 

Jimmetta Carpenter

My Write 2 Be is…

CEO/Writer/Editor

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Quitters Will Never Win

As I was sitting here thinking about what to write today I was thinking about just throwing in the towel.  You know you can only keep trying at something for so long that doesn’t appear to be working before you start to really wonder if it’s just not going to work, or maybe it’s just not meant to be.  Lately I’ve been feeling as if every time I take one step forward, I end up getting knocked two steps backward.  I was beginning to feel like all of this was pointless and that all this dreaming that I’ve been doing had been for nothing.  

Just as I was getting ready to give up and just say to hell with it I looked in my email inbox today and received one of my Tyler Perry mailing list pep talks (it was actually sent a couple of days ago but I hadn’t checked my email in a couple of days).  His message was short, sweet, and to the point.  Simply put it read “IF YOU QUIT OR GIVE UP THEN YOU DON’T DESERVE IT!  Process that and get back in the fight, DREAMER! You can do it.”  As I said before, time and time again, Tyler Perry always has a way of sending out his inspirational messages just as I need to hear it.  

I love writing and most importantly I am meant to do this.  I know it deep down inside my gut.  Even when I doubt myself, I never doubt my ability to write.  Even though I keep getting knocked down repeatedly, I have just been reminded that I can’t throw in the towel because if I do I never deserved it in the first place.  I have never been one to quit anything that I really wanted and that I knew was for me.  I’m not going to start now!  

If any of you are out there feeling like it’s just never going to come together, don’t stop now, don’t give up the fight.  Just when you think it’s time to quit is the precise moment that you need to keep holding on.         

 

Jimmetta Carpenter

Writer/Editor

The Diary: Succession of Lies (Now Available)

Writing as “Jaycee Durant”

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