It is typical for someone to give good advice to others without ever really taking that same advice themselves. I’ve written a lot about not letting fear, whether it is fear of failure or fear of success, stop you from going after your dreams. I stand by that advice but sometimes I just can’t seem to take it myself. It isn’t that I don’t want to let the fear go, it just seems that I can’t. I get moments where I feel fearless and ready to conquer the world. Then something happens to set me back and I get afraid. I find myself afraid that I won’t succeed, then afraid that I will.
I spent a lot of time last night assessing exactly what it is that I seem to be doing wrong, or rather what is wrong with me. Why it is that I keep missing opportunities simply by not going after them in the first place. I look at my best friend Ms. L and watch her hustle her ass off to climb further and further up that ladder. She’s doing what she loves to do and she is going into it all fearlessly. Now Ms. L and I are both in pursuit of the same thing, success doing what it is we love to do. We have different avenues of the media industry that we want to conquer but we are both passionate about creativity and writing and making a living at it. I just can’t seem to mirror that same fierceness she has to hustle.
I sat in my bed last night trying to figure out why. Was it that I didn’t want it as bad anymore? Is it that I just feel that I am not cut out to be my own businesswoman after all? Can it just be that I am not hungry enough for it? No, none of those things apply to me. Then I realized that I’m still afraid. I thought it had gone away. I thought I had talked myself through the phase of being too afraid but somewhere along the way it crept back in. I’m afraid of succeeding but mostly I’m afraid of failing at everything I’ve ever dreamed of.
What I also realized in my moment of self analysis last night was that if I don’t try and give it my all then my fear will come true anyway. I fail without even trying to succeed. Not trying will be failing. I wish I could say that the fear is gone now. I wish that I could say that once it passes this time that it will never creep back in. But I can say that I know that fear is not going to help me get what I want and what I’m destined to have; success. For anyone out there experiencing a serious case of fear, you are not alone. We will overcome it and climb our way up that ladder. It just might take us a little bit longer than others. Until tomorrow…Remember that Fear stands for False Evidence Appearing Real.
The Diary: Succession of Lies (Now Available)
Writing as “Jaycee Durant”