I started thinking last night about how tired I have been feeling. Not just in the physical sense of the word but also mentally and emotionally. I mean in terms of how long I’ve been fighting to make all the things in my life, all the dreams I’ve had for my life, all of the passion I feel towards writing happen and still nothing. Now I’m not saying I haven’t accomplished anything and I certainly never had any expectations of being some overnight success but I will say that I had expected to meet some sustainable level of contentment by the time I was in my 40’s. My level of success doesn’t necessarily equate to fame and fortune (not that those two things wouldn’t also be nice), just simply being able to keep myself afloat and perhaps be able to be in a position to help others. Neither of which have happened clearly as I am currently living out of a hotel room, and even that is in jeopardy from day to day. Some days I just want to give up the fight.

On those days that I just want to throw in the towel and give up I always seem to come across something that motivates me to keep on going. Be it a verse in the bible or an inspirational talk from someone I admire, or sometimes both, something always sparks that drive to just keep hanging in there and go forward, don’t look back. I watched a short speech from actress Sheryl Lee Ralph last night (here’s the link in case you wish to be inspired as well) and she talked about all of the no’s she’s heard in her career and the power that believing in yourself holds. She pondered on what would have happened if she had stopped and given up with every no she heard or every door that closed in her face. She certainly wouldn’t have been in the position to have won her first ever Emmy in her 60’s and become the second African American woman to become an EGOT (Whoopi Goldberg being the first).

She talked about how powerful just the simple act of believing in herself truly was. She had made a promise a long time ago in her career, after hearing a very loud and absurd no from a producer, to always give herself permission to take up space in whatever room she entered, whatever creative field she wanted to dip her toe in. She would not give up on herself no matter what. The truth is if you don’t believe in you then why would anyone else. It’s not that I have never believed in myself. Quite frankly most of the time I think that I am the only person that believes in me but there are days where even that is in question, and I start to wonder do I belong in this field. Are the decks stacked against me for a reason? The doors keep closing, so maybe I just should stop knocking.

Then I start to shift and think maybe the real problem is that I haven’t given myself permission to take up the space that I need to take up. I’ve been trying to fit in whatever space someone would allow me to be in and is that what truly believing in yourself looks like? Maybe I shouldn’t be knocking on the doors, but rather knocking them down (metaphorically of course lol) instead? Maybe my problem to begin with was aiming to just be content instead of seeking the abundant life that God has told me I’m entitled to (John 10:10). Rather than setting the bar too high perhaps I haven’t been setting the bar high enough. There’s no such thing as believing in yourself too much or having too much faith. After all, faith can make broken wings fly and soar, and enable you to take up all of the space in the world that you need. I’m ready to take up some space, are you?

Until next time… #BeConfident #BeBold #BeFearless

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Link to my Ko-fi with the updated goal: https://ko-fi.com/authorjccarpenter