Doubt – Page 7 – Write 2 Be

No More Self-Sabotage

January 14, 2014 jcladyluv

I have realized something the last day or so. I keep doing it to myself. Over and over again I will be headed toward something good and then I will overthink it, I will over analyze it, and I will read too much into things and interpret something that isn’t even there. All of it is me sabotaging myself, my own happiness, my accomplishments, my relationships with others. All because I suppose I still don’t get that I deserve those things just as much as anyone else around me.

I think fear plays a part in it as well. I’m afraid that if I do well people will expect me to always do well and what happens when I don’t. I’m afraid that when I have some semblance of happiness that something or someone else will come along and just snatch it all away. I’m afraid that if I let people in too far, if I let them get too close, that they will discover that I’m not perfect, or that I’m not like everyone else, and then they won’t care about me anymore and then they’ll leave anyway, so I just push them away first.

I got to thinking in the last couple of days that if I keep doing this, then I really will have no one, and none of my goals will be reached because I’m too afraid of what will happen once I reach them. I can’t keep getting in my own way and staying in my head all the time. It’s not a good thing and while I always felt that I sabotaged my own self in some way I couldn’t see it clearly before a couple of days ago. It wasn’t so obvious to me before as it is now and now I am on that mission to do something about it. I can’t always change my situations or things that just happen and I can’t necessarily change how other people are and their ways but I can change my ways and I can change how I react to things. I can be a better version of myself than what I am now. What does your better version of you look like?

Jimmetta Carpenter

My Write 2 Be is…

CEO/Writer/Editor

Write 2 Be Media/Write 2 Be Magazine

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Stepping Out of the Shadow of Yesterday’s Mistakes and Into Today’s Opportunities

July 2, 2013 jcladyluv

“Don’t dwell on the negative. Program your mind with what God says about you and a transformation will take place.”

~Joel Osteen

We all have past regrets and past pain that we have to live with. We may have even been dealt a bad hand in life that was beyond our control that still haunts us throughout our journey. We tend to go over it in our heads about what we did, what we should have done, what we could have done differently, or what was done to us that we allowed to happen, and we get stuck in that repetitive cycle. Without realizing it, we carry that pain with us and we sometimes stay stuck in our mistakes and we end up hindering our own progress by living our lives with the thoughts of that pain and those mistakes in our minds.

We don’t mean to, but we allow our past to dictate our future in such a way that we actually hold ourselves back. We don’t want to be hurt again so we just don’t allow anyone in and we don’t trust. We don’t want to keep making that same mistake so we become overly cautious to the point of not really living. We don’t want to get rejected as we have been in the past so we just stop trying altogether. We wear those mistakes like a badge of bravery as something to take with us on our journey, something to toughen us up, and we don’t even realize that what we are really doing is settling into our regrets and reliving that past pain constantly. All this does is hold us back in our past instead of moving us forward into our future.

I know that for far too long I let my childhood and the emotional and physical abuse that I endured from my mother hold me back from moving forward. At times I even used it as an excuse for some of the big mistakes that I have made in my life. I have, at different times in my life, used what my mother put me through in my childhood as a reason that I didn’t try to achieve certain goals, all because she said I never would. I have allowed that past pain and my past mistakes to make me so cautious as to not be hurt again or to not make any more monumental mistakes that I end up missing many opportunities. It is true that I couldn’t really control what happened to me as a child but all of the choices made as an adult were mine and mine alone. I got stuck in my past and for so long it kept me from progressing towards my future.

Everyone has something that they regret and that they would go back and change if they could or a past pain that they would erase if given the chance. In order to succeed in accomplishing our goals and our dreams we can’t keep allowing ourselves to be stuck in the mistakes of our past or the pain that we’ve been put through. We have to use those things for the lessons that they are and transform those teachable moments into opportunities to grab ahold of the destiny that God has promised to us. We can’t control the things that have already been done to us but we do have the power over our own choices as to how we move forward into our future. Don’t settle into your past, there’s nothing left there anymore to go back to!

Jimmetta Carpenter

Writer/Editor

The Diary: Succession of Lies (Now Available)

Writing as “Jaycee Durant”

https://write-2-be.com/

http://unpleasantlyplump.wordpress.com/

http://www.facebook.com/people/Jimmetta-Carpenter/1069480310

Write 2 Be Magazine is now out so please go check it out at http://write2bemagazine.com/. Also please go and join the magazine on twitter https://twitter.com/write2bemag, join the email listing for the magazine or submit a request for an author interview at Write2bemagazine@yahoo.com, and also like the Write 2 Be Magazine fan page https://www.facebook.com/Write2BeMagazine. Please help support my endeavor and my new journey and help me spread the word about Write 2 Be and its meaning.

The Things that I Continue to Sabotage Myself With

June 28, 2013 jcladyluv

“Self-sabotage is like a game of mental tug-of-war. It is the conscious mind versus the subconscious mind where the subconscious mind always eventually wins.”

~Bo Bennett

There is something inside me that keeps allowing me to sabotage myself. You know how you can realize the self-sabotaging behavior that you are committing as you are doing it. You understand that it’s not good for you to criticize everything that it is that you do, or to compare what you do to someone else that you may think is doing things better. You comprehend that there is a better way of doing things, a more effective way of accomplishing what you want but yet you can’t seem to catch yourself before you tear your own efforts apart.

For some people it is really hard to get out of your own head and to think and live with your heart. There’s a lot of risk in doing that, in just going for it and taking a leap of faith in yourself, but it is worth it when you do. It’s so easy to have a leap of faith in what others can do but we can’t seem to put all that faith into ourselves.

I keep feeling convinced that I finally have it, the unlimited faith in myself and my abilities to do whatever it is without question. But then I get that nagging voice in my head that won’t shut up and it tells me all of these negative things that I somehow start to believe, if only for a moment. They hold me up from making progress, and they hold me back from my destination. So I thought I would share with you what I keep struggling with and what still, despite my efforts for them not to, keeps allowing me to sabotage myself.

1) I’m still riddled with fear, both of the possibility that I will fail and also of the pressure of actually succeeding

2) I sometimes still don’t believe that I am good enough

3) I still can’t seem to put myself first without feeling extreme guilt about it

4) I don’t believe the good things that people have to say about me

5) I keep letting what I don’t have get in the way of what it is that I want to achieve

6) I am terrified of change and not knowing what is next

7) I say No way more than I allow myself to say Yes

I realize that being confident in yourself and in your own abilities to make things happen is not a practice that is just inherited and that you are born with. It is something that you have to work hard at. It is a practice that you have to maintain and treat as a routine occurrence in your everyday life. Particularly for those who may not have a positive support system, or may not have ever had very much of one, it is a struggle to believe that you deserve the best.

When you have so many obstacles that stop you along the way that you lose count, you can tend to get jaded in your thought process and in your effectiveness within your work. It’s not something that most people have not experienced and it is probably a problem that isn’t going away any time soon.

I am working on an ebook (details on how you can get a copy coming soon) on how we as writers, artists, or creative types in general can start to get out of our own way and stop sabotaging our own dreams and our own business endeavors with this self-doubt that we create in our own heads. We have to stop being so in our heads and start living from our hearts. We have to stop second guessing everything and changing our own minds or basing our level of success on what someone else’s is. Life is so short and tomorrow is not promised to us so we have to get out of our own way and start making the best of our life now, not some day in the not so distant (or distant depending on who you are) future, but right in the moment that you are in.

Jimmetta Carpenter

Writer/Editor

The Diary: Succession of Lies (Now Available)

Writing as “Jaycee Durant”

https://write-2-be.com/

http://unpleasantlyplump.wordpress.com/

http://www.facebook.com/people/Jimmetta-Carpenter/1069480310

There Are Times When I Question, Am I Still Meant To Do This

May 1, 2013 jcladyluv

I was reading the latest blog post on one of the many that I follow and it was about the signs that let you know you were meant to be a writer. It’s funny because lately I’ve been wondering, since I have been a little stalled or slow moving on my latest novel and it doesn’t seem like I am moving as quickly as I would like to with it, does that mean I am not really a writer any more.

I mean sure there are obviously other forms of writing (article writing, blog writing, etc.) that I do and have become better at throughout the years but since novel writing was I initially wanted to become known for, sometimes I feel like I am not as much of a writer anymore. Okay true, those thoughts only last a good minute or so and then I realize that it’s crazy because of course I am a writer.

Well when I was reading the list on this blog post this morning with the signs that you are meant to be a writer I realized that over half of that list applied to me, in fact maybe all but one (there are 11) I could point out as identifying with. However, it made me think of a few more that weren’t on the list (not exactly anyway) that also apply as well.

1) I no longer watch movies and T.V. for pure entertainment but rather more so with the thought in mind of how I could write the script better or how I can write something equally as good.

2) I still read books the traditional way and write in longhand a lot of the time. I know that these old traditions have seemingly been tossed out and replaced with newer (supposedly better) technology but I haven’t given up those old ways of writing and reading.

3) My text messages turn out to be pages in which I go over before sending to check the grammar and spelling to make sure it is written well before sending it.

4) I still believe in writing my own words inside of a card for any special occasion and in fact can take up a whole entire side of a card writing it.

5) My idea of a good night is when I can finally sit down and instead of working on a paper for school or even an article, I can actually work on a novel in progress or ideas for one that has yet to be started.

6) I still wake up with story plots in my head in which I have to actually use the voice memo feature on my phone (which if you knew me you know how much I hate using this feature to record ideas) to get the idea out before I forget it (because my short term memory isn’t as good as it used to be).

7) I love stocking up on notebooks and pretty pens and any kind of really beautiful stationary and have a hard time even going in staples for fear of how much I might walk out with.

These are just a few of the additions that I would make to the list I read this morning in which about ten of the eleven things on it apply to me. It’s not that I need constant reminders of why writing is what I am meant to do but sometimes I start to wonder. You spend so much time working on a craft, and cultivating your career, and having pride in your work that it becomes doubtful when it seems as if none if it is working and like none of the hard work you do is propelling you forward.

I have to keep remembering, slow and steady sometimes is really the best way to do things. I have to have patience because writing makes me happy and it is just that important to me. What signs on this list or the list in the blog post I read can you apply to yourself? What signs do you think you would add that are not on this list?

Jimmetta Carpenter

Writer/Editor

The Diary: Succession of Lies (Now Available)

Writing as “Jaycee Durant”

https://write-2-be.com/

http://unpleasantlyplump.wordpress.com/

http://www.facebook.com/people/Jimmetta-Carpenter/1069480310

Who Is In Your Corner?

April 25, 2013 jcladyluv

It is always good to have someone in your corner. Someone who reassures you when your confidence is beginning to waiver and who is going to stand beside you come hell or high water. Everyone deserves to have that kind of support. Typically you are going to find that support within your family and your very close knit friends but what do you say to those who are supposed to be your family and don’t have your back. How do you respond to the people who are supposed to always believe in you telling you that you won’t make it?

I try to figure that out because I have several of those in my family, people who consistently let me know that they don’t think that I am going to reach my destination. I tune them out most of the time but when you hear people talk about not knowing where they would be without their family believing in them it seems sad when I look at my family and think I don’t know where I would be if I were to actually listen to them. Yes I actually do know. I would have given up on my dreams a long time ago because that’s what they’ve always wanted me to do.

Every goal that you go after is always easier to reach if you have a few people standing in your corner. Not a lot of people, just two or three is good enough to help remind you that you are strong enough and to keep you from turning around and running away from the dreams you have for yourself. I know that I may not have family that is standing in my corner, praying that my successes are made a reality, but I do have at least one really good friend, my best friend, who I know will always be there.

We may not always get to have the crowd of believers that we want around us but then again do we really need a big crowd? Sure it would be nice if everyone was as sure of your choices as you are (most of the time) but truthfully you can get where you going without that big crowd. You want that support system in the corner standing by but the most important person that you need in your corner is you.

You have to fight for that dream and you have to do it regardless of whether you are fighting with that big crowd, or you are fighting for it alone. No matter who I have or don’t have in my corner, I know one thing. I have me (and of course God) and that’s all there really is. So no matter how large your corner is expanding make sure that you remember that no one can fight for that dream you have like you can.

Jimmetta Carpenter

Writer/Editor

The Diary: Succession of Lies (Now Available)

Writing as “Jaycee Durant”

https://write-2-be.com/

http://unpleasantlyplump.wordpress.com/

http://www.facebook.com/people/Jimmetta-Carpenter/1069480310

Sometimes I Question the Journey

April 9, 2013 jcladyluv

“Faith isn’t believing without proof – it’s trusting without reservation.”

~William Sloane Coffin

So I’ve been having one of those days where I’m wondering what all of this is for. What is the point of pursuing all of my dreams when the journey to get to them is so daunting and frustrating and exhausting and painful? When I still find myself having to worry where the next flow of income is going to come from and nothing is definite (which is what the beginning stages of a writing career looks like), it makes me wonder what I am really struggling for.

I am a chronic worrier and while I know that it is not good for my health to stress about things that are beyond my control I still somehow manage to do it. I keep thinking, this year it’s going to happen for me just the way that it’s supposed to, and then it doesn’t so I get geared up for the next year to be the year that my hard work begins to pay off. Yet still, not the rewards I had hoped to be reaping by now.

I get worried sometimes that this is all for nothing. The struggle, the sacrifices, the tears, the anxiety, the not knowing, all of the things that come with following your dreams and just throwing caution to the wind. I wonder if I made the right decision years ago and if maybe I was wrong about my ability to really make this work.

Yeah it’s been one of those days. I have those days sometimes, and some are worse than others. But then I remember that writing is something that I live for. It is my purpose in this world and it is my vehicle to express myself and to be able to change the world. Writing is something that I was born to do and it is the purpose that God gave me in this world. On the days when I am in a state of constant worry and when I am wondering what the point of it all is I will have to try harder to remember that the point is to serve my purpose no matter how hard the struggle or how long the journey.

Jimmetta Carpenter

Writer/Editor

The Diary: Succession of Lies (Now Available)

Writing as “Jaycee Durant”

https://write-2-be.com/

http://unpleasantlyplump.wordpress.com/

http://www.facebook.com/people/Jimmetta-Carpenter/1069480310

Blooming Late or Right In Season?

March 26, 2013 jcladyluv

Everything happens for a reason and at the time that it is supposed to happen. That is how the saying goes right? When frustrations set in about my slow (and I do mean slow) progression to writing success (and financial comfort ability) it is really hard to believe that there is any truth to that saying. Half of the time I want to say that it is really just how people justify having a bad round of luck and the walls just crumbling in around them (or maybe that’s just me). However, deep down inside I do know that there is actually truth to it.

When success happens later than you expect it to (or planned for it to) it gets frustrating watching people who are barely out of high school or college achieve success on a fluke or by a chance meeting with just the right person. Meanwhile you work hard and consistently at something that you have the talent to back up and it just seems like mountain after mountain just keeps forming right in your path. You get around one mountain only to be challenged with another.

You’re left wondering why this person can just snap their fingers and have all of what you’ve been working hard for years (and years), and where’s that person’s mountain. Sometimes success just seems to come so easy for some and so much of a struggle for others. I guess some people (myself included) are late bloomers. It can make a person just want to throw up their hands and say the hell with it.

When I think about it, there are a lot of people who didn’t become a success when they first started out. They struggled, stressed, and fought hard to get to their current place in life and it was a mountain to climb every step of the way. Just because success doesn’t come easy does not mean that it isn’t coming. There is a reason that some people have to go through more than others in order to accomplish what they set out to do. Blooming late sometimes just means that you are blooming in season.

The writer I was in my 20’s is not who I am as a writer now in my 30’s. Naturally I have grown, both in life and in my writing, but I have also been through things that have given me experience (and a little bit of wisdom) to be able to open up more within my writing. If I had gotten the level of success that I wanted in my 20’s I’m not sure that I would’ve known what to do with it, or how to handle it with the level of maturity that I could now or in the future.

There was a reason why it didn’t come to me then. I wasn’t ready for it, and I wouldn’t have been prepared. It just wasn’t the time. There is a reason why I haven’t bloomed yet but I do feel that the blooming is about to begin. Better late then never!

Jimmetta Carpenter

Writer/Editor

The Diary: Succession of Lies (Now Available)

Writing as “Jaycee Durant”

https://write-2-be.com/

http://unpleasantlyplump.wordpress.com/

http://www.facebook.com/people/Jimmetta-Carpenter/1069480310

That Voice Inside My Head That Just Won’t Be Quiet

March 25, 2013March 25, 2013 jcladyluv

The other day I met up with a writing friend of mine who I hadn’t seen in a while and of course we talked about our perspective projects and how our impending writing careers were coming along. Neither one of us have gotten to where we want to be in our writing careers but both of us were full of excitement over our ideas of how we can possibly get there. I didn’t have my optimism cap on that day so while I was excited about my ideas, I wasn’t able to express as much hope of them coming to fruition as she had for them.

She actually said that listening to all of my ideas and knowing how talented I am as a writer, she could see dollar signs when she looked at me. She said that I have so many great ideas and such a wealth of knowledge to impart on others and she didn’t see why I didn’t see all of the potential income that was there for me. All I could hear inside my head was that little nagging voice that keeps telling me that none of it will ever work.

Despite the fact that I have seen others with ideas similar to mine and some not even as great as mine that were maximizing their ideas into a steady and stable income for themselves all I could think to myself was that it would never work for me. I don’t know what it is that creeps in and keeps feeding me the notion that I am not good enough and not as good as other writers out there but every so often there it is. It just keeps whispering all of the negative thoughts about myself that I have thought for most of my life and have been working tirelessly to get away from thinking.

Some days it’s harder than others to think the best things and to see in myself what others seem to see in me. When I finished meeting with my friend I did feel more energized and like I had more ideas than I did when I first sat down. The problem with me has never been coming up with good ideas, but rather bringing those ideas to life and displaying them for all to see. It would be nice to get to a point where I am just always confident in my abilities as a writer, as a business person, and to stop doubting and questioning myself.

I know that if I could get there, to that point of confidence, then things would flow easier and with less fear. It’s funny because people will say, “well if you know that that’s all you need to do is have more confidence then why don’t you just have more confidence so you can do what needs to be done” but it is a lot easier said then done. I think it is interesting just how many writers there are that actually question how good they are at what they do. It’s nice to know that it’s not just me. How is your writer confidence level?

Jimmetta Carpenter

Writer/Editor

The Diary: Succession of Lies (Now Available)

Writing as “Jaycee Durant”

https://write-2-be.com/

http://unpleasantlyplump.wordpress.com/

http://www.facebook.com/people/Jimmetta-Carpenter/1069480310

Feeling Grateful

February 22, 2013 jcladyluv

This week I had a lot of different emotions going on. I felt really excited for my well received second issue of Write 2 Be magazine. Then I felt anxious about the novel that I have yet to finish as well as the novel that I am also anxious to get started on. I also felt full of doubt and I still had to wonder is my writing really good enough to start going after those freelance positions at the newspapers and magazines that I want. However, despite all of that, I woke up today just feeling grateful.

Looking at the news and seeing all of the tragedy that there is out there and all of the problems that people are dealing with that are so much bigger than mine, I can’t really complain. I mean sure my struggles, to me, are going to always feel like they are mountains that grew out of molehills, and for me the issues that I am struggling with are difficult but whose issues aren’t. There are people, who just this past week in my area, have lost their children and all around the world there are people who are homeless, who are hungry, whose lives are cut short for one reason or another.

I woke up today, seemingly healthy, my child is healthy, and I am making it (miraculously) and I just had to tell God thank you. Not just for all that he has pulled me through, but also for all that he shields me from, and also for the potential of my opportunities both in the present and in the future to come. We all have to remind ourselves to be grateful for the things we have and sometimes for the things we don’t have as well because when we think about the things that we want and don’t have it gives us drive and fuels us with determination to be able to make those things happen.

Just remember, before you rest your head tonight, to make sure to take in what you do have around you and make sure that you cherish it. Another thing I am grateful for (among so many other things) is that I have this blog to share my thoughts and my life with all of you out there and I am grateful to those of you are interested enough to tune in. Have a great weekend everyone!

Jimmetta Carpenter

Writer/Editor

The Diary: Succession of Lies (Now Available)

Writing as “Jaycee Durant”

https://write-2-be.com/

http://unpleasantlyplump.wordpress.com/

http://www.facebook.com/people/Jimmetta-Carpenter/1069480310

The Perception of Strength

February 7, 2013February 7, 2013 jcladyluv

It may sound strange but I sometimes get annoyed with people always using strong as one of the words to describe me. People tell me that I’ve been through so much and that with all of the struggles that I’ve had and still have they are amazed at my strength and how I manage to persevere through it and towards something better.

I want to say “it’s not as if I actually have a choice, I can’t just curl up and die”. More importantly I want to let them know that I am most certainly not strong, at least not any stronger than they are or anyone else out in this world going through horrific tragedies. What exactly is it to be strong anyway?

I think that people have this idea, particularly about women, that they are always sure of themselves, sure of where they are going, unafraid, and iron willed. There is this notion that if we are emotional, if we show our vulnerability, if we express our fears and our doubts, that somehow that makes us weak. I must admit I have played into that a lot.

I’m an extremely emotional person and I don’t try to hide it but I find myself sometimes apologizing for it and in many ways feeling embarrassed because of it. My mother once told me that tears and crying is for the weak and I have to admit that this made me even more apprehensive about showing my emotions to the general public.

For the people that really know me, on a deep and personal level, and they know my weaknesses and love me because of them as well as in spite of them, I will show that side. However, for the rest of the world, the outside people who have yet to get to know me, I have discovered that I have become that person who tries to put on the front of strength because I don’t want them to see what they might perceive as weak.

The thing that I have learned through discovering more about myself is that it is okay to not be iron willed all the time. Showing emotion, shedding tears, being afraid, or having doubts doesn’t make you any less strong than the people who won’t let their guard down enough to show cracks of vulnerability.

Strength is not in just bouncing back from tragedy or powering through the hard times. Strength isn’t about shutting people out because you are afraid of getting rejected. Strength is not always proving that you have all of the answers when things don’t go as planned. Strength is about being able to admit that you are afraid. It’s about acknowledging that you don’t have all the answers and that it’s okay, because you don’t need all of the answers today. Having strength is acknowledging that sometimes it is okay to be weak. As I shift into the next level of my journey and move further towards my success I don’t want to waste time and energy trying to keep up a front of always being strong. Because I am not.

I Have the Write 2 Be Strong In Spite of My Weaknesses… What is Your Write 2 Be?

Jimmetta Carpenter

Writer/Editor

The Diary: Succession of Lies (Now Available)

Writing as “Jaycee Durant”

https://write-2-be.com/

http://unpleasantlyplump.wordpress.com/

http://www.facebook.com/people/Jimmetta-Carpenter/1069480310

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