The Words You Speak Matter

 

So, the thing about being back in a situation that you know is toxic out of necessity is that it often times makes you feel powerless and like there’s nothing within your control. Even if things seem slightly decent in the beginning (I mean aside from being constantly miserable because the situation sucks) you know that inevitably the same toxic nature that you worked so hard to escape for years and years on end and to emotionally work past will render its ugly head.

So since being back under the same roof with my mother, I have been uncomfortable, not happy, and made to feel small all over again on a regular basis. Having said that I’ve been trying to make the best out of terrible circumstances because there’s just no other choice right now while I’m working to get back on my feet. I smile hoping that will make me feel better because I know that things could be worse. I also smile to keep myself from crying because that won’t do me any good either. However, in moments when my mother says things that seem purposely designed to be hurtful, the emotions from trauma resurface and there’s just no controlling how insignificant I feel.

The other day, when I chose to buy myself a pair of pajamas on clearance to celebrate me writing over 11,000 words last week, she took the time to remind me that the words I’m writing aren’t currently making me any money, thus being pointless. When I responded with the fact that well if I don’t write then I can’t put any books out to buy, her counterpoint was to say that no one is buying my books anyway so is there a point. Fact of the matter is that while I’m not rolling in the dough from my books (clearly, or I wouldn’t be in my current situation) and I’m not making money hand over fist, there are in fact people that have bought my books. I just watched a panel discussion this past weekend on AuthorTube where someone did in fact buy and read my novel and it seemed as if they actually liked it.

I didn’t bother highlighting this to my mother because honestly it wouldn’t have made any difference to her because clearly my art, my creativity, is worthless in her eyes. I simply said to her “you say the nicest things” with every ounce of sarcasm that I could muster. Then I proceeded to go in the room with my daughter, sit down, and out of nowhere came the tears. My daughter then came and hugged me because she, hearing this whole exchange and being a creative herself, understood the hurt. One could say I should be well past the point where her words can hurt me, but I guess I am not. Words hurt. It’s why words matter so much and what you say to people matter. They can be what motivates a person to keep pushing forward or they can be what causes a person to quit.

There are two kinds of people in this world. The kind that go out of their way to think of the positive thing to say that will help someone see their potential and the light they hold within them. Or the kind of person (like my mother), who goes out of their way to say things they know will hurt someone simply because they don’t care about the feelings of others. They don’t see people’s potential or their light, only their mistakes and their weaknesses. I strive to see the light in others and in myself and I hope that I always remain that kind of person. There’s just no reason to say hurtful things to people just because you can. It serves no purpose.

When I told one of my closest friends about this exchange his words to me were to “use the sludge of that disrespect as fuel to push forward on the next night that I think I’m out of steam.” My favorite thing that he said to me (which may just now be my new motto) is to stay driven on rage and f*ck yous. To let that “dismissive bullshit” be the catalyst that makes me push harder. One thing is for damn sure. I have to hurry up and get the hell out of here or else her need to crush my dreams and my spirit is going to eat away at my soul. So, I am going to stay driven on that rage and those f*ck yous that I would say if she was anyone else but who she is. That’s all I have to share for now. Thank you for letting me vent here and remember that the words you say to the people in your lives matters, so make sure you are careful about what those words are.

Until next time… #BeEmpowered #BeBold #BeMotivated

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Jimmetta Carpenter

CEO/Writer/Editor

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Hello November! Time to Play Catch Up

I know I don’t usually write a blog post on a Wednesday, but I haven’t written to you guys in a while, and I figured that today was as good a time as any to catch you up on things in my little corner of the world. I’m still without a home and as much as I would like to be optimistic and say things are looking up, I don’t feel that in this moment of my writing this. I haven’t given up hope or anything, it’s just that the situation is wearing me down in a way I would care not to admit. But here is where I admit the scary things that I don’t like to say out loud to my closest friends (and yes, I understand the irony of me not saying things out loud to people I know yet screaming it into the void that is the Internet lol).

I’m always seen as the positive one and while most days that is me and I do like to keep a positive tone, that just can’t be me every day. I also forget to mention that a little over two weeks ago I had emergency surgery. Yep, as if I didn’t have enough to deal with, I now have to deal with recovering from surgery. I suppose it’s the Universe’s way of sitting me down and giving me a way to rest my body, my spirit, and my soul but it sure picked a very odd time to sit me down in a time in which I need to be on the go to figure out next steps.

I don’t know, perhaps it was its way of really making me be still and letting God do His work in whatever way that shaped up to be. I have caught up on an enormous amount of rest, so I suppose there’s that. I feel more rested now than I have in years. The brain fog from the surgery doesn’t really help with my creativity but I am starting to feel that slowly come back as well (hence me being able to write up this post). I guess I can say that I am hanging in there but it’s by a very thin thread and I’m not sure how much longer I can hold on. I’m doing my best and that’s all I can do right now.Anywho, it’s November now and that means it is NaNoWriMo season in which millions of writers are just disillusioned enough to think they can write an entire novel in a month (just kidding about the disillusionment, it’s totally doable lol) so they sign up for 30 days of writing nearly 2,000 words a day until the task is done.

Normally I would be (officially) participating in this event but as you might guess, this year has kicked my behind and I just don’t have it in me to do it this year. Well at least not officially. That’s to say I can’t help myself and am deciding to be a rebel of sorts and unofficially do NaNo and will work on finally finishing up the revisions on my novel that was technically supposed to be published by now (more on that in another post).

So that’s what my November is going to look like. An unofficial NaNo revision project and finishing up my recovery from surgery. I know I normally set far more monthly goals for myself, but I think those two are good enough this month. I hope you all are well and if you are participating in NaNo let me know. I hope to write again a lot sooner.

Until next time… #BeAuthentic #BeEmpowered #BeFearless

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Jimmetta Carpenter

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Is My Best Really Good Enough?

I did not win Camp NaNo. Now to be honest I wasn’t as confident this time that I could complete the goal that I had set for this month-long writing challenge, but I held out hope. Right up until the last week I was still hoping that I could push myself harder to finish the task. I did the best I could, but it just wasn’t good enough. Why couldn’t I just buckle down and do what I know needed to be done?

Now one of my amazing friends would probably remind me to have grace with myself. They might even point out that given my current situation it was a win just to have tried and the logical side of me would agree with that. Right now, I’m thinking emotionally and I’m a bit upset with myself. I feel like my best simply wasn’t good enough. Although in terms of writing lately nothing feels like I’ve been doing a good enough job. It doesn’t help that the depression monster is visiting me.

I haven’t really written much of anything since, well since becoming essentially homeless and I am very angry with myself about it. I want to force myself to write but every time I sit down to do so all of the things that I’m stressed about flood my brain instead of words to fill the page. Now I know what you’re thinking. But you’ve been writing blog posts, for example this very post, and isn’t that writing. Yes and no. I consider this more me writing about what I’m feeling, updating you on what’s going on and where my head is at. The creative writing isn’t really flowing the way that I want it to. The way that it should be. That has got to change. I miss writing and I miss the continuity of a writing routine where I can say I wrote a certain number of words, or pages, or hours, in a day. I have to get back to that part of me.

Perhaps this next challenge that I am partaking in for the month of August will help with that. I’ll just say it’s writing something that I’ve never actually written before but have been longing to write. To find out what this challenge is stay tuned to my YouTube channel for the announcement tomorrow (August 1st) because I’m really excited about it. I’m excited to get back to the creative side of writing and not just a little bit on one day and then maybe a little more a week or two later. I’m excited to write something new and I’m excited to write with some consistency and since this is challenge that I’m doing in a collaborative way I feel like that will encourage me all the more to just sit down and do it.

I hope that I can do it. I hope that I can get back to that creative part of writing that I love as much as breathing. If you have been feeling like you haven’t been doing enough in any particular area of your life, you’re not alone. Know that you are doing the best that you can, even when it doesn’t feel that way. Give yourself a bit of grace and then get right back at it and try again. You can do this and so can I. We’ve got this!

Until next time… #BeDiligent #BeMindful #BeEmpowered

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Jimmetta Carpenter

CEO/Writer/Editor

Write 2 Be Media/Write 2 Be Magazine

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The Unseen Work

So, the message in church this Sunday was focused a lot on guarding your time carefully and on not devaluing the work that no one ever sees. Those weren’t the exact words and phrasing that my pastor used but that was the gist and it got me thinking a lot. Being a creative individual there is a lot that goes into what we do in creative fields that no one ever sees therefore sometimes it feels like that work is never valued quite enough. There’s a reason people (myself included) love watching behind the scenes stuff about our favorite shows and makings of movies and songs and things like that. It’s because we want to see the work that no one ever gets to see.

It also made me think about how sometimes people don’t get honored or recognized for all the hard work that went into creating one moment or how they can work for decades or sometimes their entire careers, all for one night that comes far past the point where they deserved the recognition. The Oscars that just recently took place is one of those things that makes you think about how long people work in their careers just to be overlooked at this one event that purports to honor the best of the best. I mean are you not the best at what you do just because this particular academy took a vote and chose to give someone else that statue instead of you? Does that make all of the unseen work that you’ve done to get to that moment where you are even among the few that can be chosen not even matter because they didn’t pick you as the best of the best that awards season?

The answer of course is no but it doesn’t always feel that you’re appreciated for all of that unseen work in that moment when your name isn’t called. For writers, who are barely ever really recognized for much, I imagine the sting of disappointment has to feel something like that sting of not hearing your name called on Oscar night when you know you should have really won over a decade ago (yes I’m talking about Angela Basssett).

As a writer and now a content creator who hasn’t “made it” yet I can’t help but often feel like all of the hard work and labor I put into doing what I do and trying to be a positive impact on other people through my gift and the content I create goes unappreciated and often times unnoticed. Logically I know that that’s not true but when you don’t see the “fruits” of your labor so to speak (in this case the money because, shocker, artists, don’t like to starve) it’s hard to know if you are really making a difference. It’s true that money was never the reason I wanted to be a writer or content creator but let’s be real, I do desire to make an income in what I am most passionate about and it’s hard to do that sometimes when it seems like no one really sees you.

The message this Sunday was the reminder that I needed for when I get frustrated about all of the work and effort that I put into my craft and my passions that it is not for nothing. I think I may have mentioned here before that I am not a very patient person, so it makes it hard when I don’t see the benefits for all the work that I do. However, I know that often times what comes easy doesn’t always provide sustainability and more often than not the obstacles that we have to face make the outcomes and rewards even more worth it in the end.

So, if you too have also found yourself wondering what it is all for you are not alone. I see you and I commiserate with you. Just know that all of the work that no one ever gets to see, it all serves a purpose. It is the foundation for the overall outcome that you are aiming for. The long wait for your efforts to be noticed, they will be bolstered by all of the time that you have spent to make things just right. What we are trying to achieve is longevity and when all is said and done because we have done all of the behind the scenes work in masterful fashion, the result will be a legacy that was well worth the wait.

Until next time… #BePatient #BeDetermined #BeRelentless

Jimmetta Carpenter

CEO/Writer/Editor

Write 2 Be Media/Write 2 Be Magazine

https://write-2-be.com/

http://write2bemagazine.com/

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Also check out my new Red Bubble Shop: https://www.redbubble.com/people/Write2BeMatters/shop for some cool and fun stickers and also check out my Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/user?u=74026650 and think about becoming a Patron!

On the Other Side of Time

So often we find ourselves in a place in our lives where we just know that we should be somewhere that we just aren’t yet. We have the trajectory planned out and feel that if we are truly doing everything right then of course our plans would fall into place. It would be really nice if the plans we make could be seen through without any bumps along the road. Unfortunately, things don’t always work out the way that we planned.

However, maybe it’s not unfortunate because there are times when beautiful things happen along the way to the plans that we originally made. Sometimes we find things that make us grow as a person and people that help us become better than who we were before we headed out on our journey. There are moments that we sometimes miss looking for what was supposed to be.

Life is about growing and becoming better versions of ourselves with every passing day. Staying true to a plan that has outgrown us isn’t necessarily beneficial to you or the people whose lives you are meant to touch and impact. We can’t always fit in to a place in which we no longer belong and trying to continue to do so just hinders our growth. Growth isn’t always going to be as beautiful of a transition as is one from a caterpillar to a butterfly but if we keep in mind that the uneasy and uncomfortable parts of change make for beautiful results in the end then it makes all of it worthwhile.

The beautiful things that we are expecting out of life, they aren’t just going to magically appear. They aren’t always going to have some alluring transition into this masterpiece of a result without some twists, turns, and uneasiness. There is a process we must grow through in order to get the life that we truly want, the life we know we deserve. What we truly want for our lives comes on the other side of time.

Until next time… #BeDiligent #BeMotivated #BePatient

Jimmetta Carpenter

CEO/Writer/Editor

Write 2 Be Media/Write 2 Be Magazine

https://write-2-be.com/

http://write2bemagazine.com/

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Can There Be Grace In Failure?

Last week I felt like I was failing on multiple levels. I couldn’t seem to get anything to go right or work out right and I wasn’t saying all the right things to the people around me. It was just not my best week. However, when I go back and look at my footage for my writing vlog on my YouTube channel that I filmed all last week I see that while yes, everything didn’t go as I had planned it or wanted it to go, I also didn’t completely fail at everything. And what I did fail in, I learned some lessons from what I didn’t do right. I guess that’s the thing about the way we perceive things and how it may be seen to the outside world.

The thing that I can’t seem to get a handle on is how to have grace with myself. I try and sometimes I think I have a handle on a good self-care routine that allows me to have that grace. But most of the time it’s my own expectations of myself and my abilities that make it hard for me to cut myself any slack. I don’t typically worry about the expectations others have of me and that is because my own bar for myself is so unattainably high that I can’t seem to get over or around it. I want big things out of life. I want to leave a big legacy for my daughter and in this world. I can’t do that playing things small and yet I constantly feel like that is what I’m doing.

It seems that I’m always having to adjust my goals because I simply can’t seem to reach them, at least not in their entirety. It’s like I come close but fall short on so many levels. When I saw the above quote, it made me think about the fact that even in my losses perhaps there are still some wins in the lessons that I am able to take away and apply towards the next attempt that I make. It reminds me that as long as I at least give it a solid try and truly put in the effort to achieve the goals I set out to accomplish then I haven’t really failed because there are so many people who just don’t try at all.

I suppose the point in all of this is to say if you too struggle to allow yourself grace, if you also beat yourself up for the goals that you don’t get accomplished, that you are not alone in that mental tug of war. Try to remember, as I will also, that it’s not about how many times you get pushed back from the goal line or get knocked down. It’s about getting back up and pushing through towards that goal line. It’s about not giving up and letting the doubts in your mind win. it’s about taking the lessons that you learn from the initial blow and applying them to your next attempt. Make sure that you are taking some mental breaks from the pressure that you put on yourself and remember that taking care of yourself is also a win. It’s a win for your mental health.

If you are looking for some suggestions of some things you can do to show yourself some grace and maybe take better care of yourself, I just did a video last week, mostly for writers, but it applies to anyone really, about ways to better take care of your mental health in high stress periods of time. I hope that you check it out and I hope that you make just as much of an effort to show yourself some grace.

Until next time… #BePatient #BeHopeful #BeMindful

Jimmetta Carpenter

CEO/Writer/Editor

Write 2 Be Media/Write 2 Be Magazine

https://write-2-be.com/

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Growth in Gradual Steps

Growth can be hard especially when it means realizing that you can’t do all of the things you were once able to do. My ambition does not always match my physical abilities and that frustrates me to no end. I keep setting goals that, if I take into account my new found physical limitations which oftentimes weigh on my mental state as well, are not realistic goals for the person that I am now. I set them as if I hadn’t been in life changing accidents and as if I haven’t put on more weight due to those life changing accidents curbing my physical capabilities. I set them as if I were the me that I was 5 or 6 years ago and that just isn’t who I am anymore, regardless of how much I wish I was still that person.

In some ways I have grown into a better version of myself and in others, the one’s that I’m more limited in, let’s just say the wisdom did not follow with the age. I still keep thinking I can do things at the same pace, with the same veracity, and the same stamina that I could when I was in my late twenties, or even early thirties. How foolish is it of me to still hold myself to that standard?

I suppose adequate growth would be me adjusting my goals to something manageable that I know I can get accomplished. Here recently I have been working on tailoring my goals to be more in line with what I know I can actually get done not what I think in my head (because in my mind I can do a lot of things that I can’t actually do in reality lol). So far it has been working really well for me and has allowed me to feel less pressure to get things done. But I still have the problem where I still feel like I’m not being productive enough.

I think people who are overly ambitious have this constant need to feel as if every second of the day if productive in some way. When you think about it, that sounds completely irrational because there are things like sleep and taking care of yourself in some way that doesn’t involve doing anything. Sometimes taking care of yourself is simply doing nothing at all. It’s the doing nothing at all part that I would like to get to a place where it doesn’t make me feel guilty. I’m not quite there yet but I’m working on it. I hope that in being as productive as you possibly can you find time to do nothing and simply just be.

Until next time… #BeKindtoYourself #BePatient #BeMindful

Jimmetta Carpenter

CEO/Writer/Editor

Write 2 Be Media/Write 2 Be Magazine

https://write-2-be.com/

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Are We Going To Just Stare At the Wall or Find A Way To Climb Over It?

I’ve been staring at a wall lately and that wall has time written all over it. Time is not my friend. There is never enough of it and yet it feels like the time I do have can’t be adequately balanced in a satisfactory manner. I’ve been struggling lately with this balancing time thing with taking on something non-creative in order to pay the bills and having the creative side of me, that being writing which is like air to me, suffer drastically.

I mean I won’t say that I’m not able to write ever, but it’s a far cry from the amount of time I was once able to put into my writing and as I said, writing is like air to me so right now I quite literally feel like I am not able to breathe. I feel like I’m suffocating and all I can think about is writing but it’s the one thing I’m unable to do as freely as I need to. But I think that I’m looking at this the wrong way.

I’m staring at the wall and instead of figuring out a way over or around that wall I am just stuck, looking up at this massive road block, and wondering what the hell am I going to do. I’m not going to pretend I have the answer for this problem at this exact moment but I do know that giving up is not an option. We spend so much time staring at the wall rather than climbing over that wall and that is tantamount to giving up. I say we because I can’t be the only one who gets stuck at the road blocks that you come across.

Your wall may not be writing. It could be whatever you’re most passionate about and have been struggling to weave it into your schedule. If you are struggling too then I want you to know that you’re not alone and that we are going to climb this wall together because quitting is never an option when your dreams are waiting for you beyond that wall. We may need some time to assess the wall, to make a plan of action on how we are going to get over or around that wall, but one way or another, we will overcome the wall that is blocking our way.

Until next time… #BePatient #BePersistent #BeDetermined

Jimmetta Carpenter

CEO/Writer/Editor

Write 2 Be Media/Write 2 Be Magazine

https://write-2-be.com/

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We Can’t Always Be In Bloom

It is impossible to be continually productive, every single minute, of every single day, in every single year. With that knowledge, I’m wondering why I keep beating myself up when a few minutes go by without me being productive on something. I haven’t been doing so great with my writing these last few weeks, mostly because my schedule changed due to taking on things to better provide financially for me and my daughter who has just entered college. The problem with doing things you have to do to survive is that the things that feed your soul (in my case, writing) fall by the wayside and that is literally killing me.

I’ve said it here many times before, but writing is like breathing for me. If I can’t write, then I am not a very happy person and probably not pleasant to be around. Writing makes me happy; it helps me think, it allows me to expel emotions that I would otherwise hold onto, and it just centers me. I have not found the balance yet and it is making me depressed and anxious and extremely overwhelmed and unhappy.

I shared some more about these struggles in a video I posted on my YouTube channel last week for Mental Health Awareness Month and I go more in detail about what I’ve been struggling with and just how much it’s been affecting me. It did make me realize (along with a really good friend of mine) that I am not a machine, and I cannot always be in the doing phase. Sometimes I just have to be in the phase of simply being and I have to be okay with that. It’s hard for me because so much of my identity is tied into my writing. I mean I’ve been writing since I was little (like 8 or 9) to get all of the emotions I could never verbalize out so to not be able to find the balance to do what I love is hurting.

I am going to try and work out a schedule to see if I can figure out a way to balance it all out without losing sleep (which was my initial plan) and have even crafted a schedule that I am crossing my fingers and praying it works but even in saying that I know that to protect my mental health I am going to have to be okay even if I don’t figure it out. It’s okay if everything I want doesn’t happen all at once.

Until next time… #BeMindful #BeReflective #BePatient

Jimmetta Carpenter

CEO/Writer/Editor

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Plans Change and We Must Adapt

 

Okay so I had every intention of starting the year off strong last week. That was the plan anyway. However, that is not how things went. I think that it is becoming a tradition with me that the year starts off with nothing but good intentions but almost always the slowest ever start. I was not feeling well last week at all. It was a really bad pain week (I have chronic pain- some days are good and some, not so good) and I had a cold that I thought (in a panic) could have possibly been COVID for a few days (thankfully it wasn’t) so the combination of being sick with a cold and in a lot of pain made for a disaster of a start to the New Year.

Nevertheless, I still managed to complete a few of my scheduled tasks last week and am trying not to kick myself too much for the things that I didn’t get accomplished. There’s nothing more that makes me feel inadequate then when I plan things to go a certain way and they don’t even come close. Logically I know that almost nothing ever goes according to the way we plan them but with so many things that are out of our control, our plans are essentially one of the few things that we can actually feel like we have some sense of control over.

I think a part of what makes it so hard to learn from lessons of our past is the fact that we keep repeating the same mistakes and the same misguided ways of thinking. We instinctively know the things that we shouldn’t do and that the plans that we make for ourselves could fall by the wayside at any moment because, well God’s plans and our plans might not line up with one another, and yet we continue to plan and to make the same misguided mistakes anyway.

I don’t necessarily think it’s a bad thing, mind you.  After all, we do need a plan for things (even in the Bible God had his chosen few make plans). We just have to make sure that we are not so dead set on OUR plan that we somehow miss the instructions that God gives us a long the way for how HE wants us to change the plan.

There are going to be curves in the road and almost certainly some sharp turns that come out of the blue and we have to be ready, and we have to be prepared to make the right decision on the which direction to go. And since we can’t always count on there being a U-turn in the road for us to course correct, the best way is to take things a little slower and a little steadier so that we don’t miss those curves and those sharp turns. Don’t be so upset at your plan not coming to fruition that you miss the joy of knowing that God’s plan is still working.

Until next time…#BeVigilant #BePatient #BeinFaith

Jimmetta Carpenter 

Writer/Editor 

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