I’ve felt a little unsure of myself this week. I guess you could say I’ve been doing a lot of second guessing (and I know that I shouldn’t) which is a bad habit I am trying to get rid of. It’s been a week of feeling uncertain but I was watching a program this morning where the focus was the film director James Cameron and how he became such a visionary. He said a lot of things that struck a chord with me and it kind of put things into perspective.
I get asked so many times by people who don’t consider writing an actual job (at least not a very viable one) why, when my reward thus far has been so little and the struggle has been so hard, why do I continue to pull my hair out over it. Why don’t I just get a regular 9 to 5 job and settle with the joy of having a steady paycheck will do for my life. They tell me it would make me so much happier, steadier, and that I would be able to do so much more for myself and my daughter. Some days I don’t know the answer to those questions. Not any that would make sense anyway. But most days, the answers are simple, maybe not easy for others to understand, but they make sense for me.
For a large part of my childhood, all of my adolescence, and the vast majority of my adulthood I have doubted everything, and I had believed what my mother always made sure to remind me of which was that I was never going to be anybody and I was never going to get anywhere. I let her words carry over into too many aspects of my life and while it was her lack of support that fueled my own doubts, it was my mistake for not recognizing that she was one of those negative people that I needed to steer clear of. However, the one thing that I have never been uncertain of was my writing.
Sure there have been times that I have wondered if my writing could measure up to others, and if it was really truly about who you know rather then your actual talent, but I’ve always known that writing was what I was supposed to be doing with my life. I never really had to be one of those people who had to search for what God’s purpose was for me because I’ve known from a very early age that it was my writing. Not necessarily writing just in the form of novels, or poetry, or even launching my own magazine and eventually my publishing company. But my words, they mean something and what I have to say matters. My vision for where I want to go within my writing career has the potential to really change things and that is something I am not doubtful of.
I made a decision years ago that I could no longer do the 9 to 5 thing. I couldn’t work towards building someone else’s dream while mine continued to sit on the back burner indefinitely, and on top of that, miss the most important moments of my daughters life because of it. It’s not that I think that there is anything wrong with that, there are plenty of people who do it and I admire their ability to make that work, it just isn’t something that was working so well for me. I wasn’t happy, in fact I was miserable, and I feel like my daughter could sense how miserable I was and that it weighed on her too.
I had always felt like I didn’t fit in at those places I worked at, like I wasn’t where I was supposed to be. Now, I may not have as steady a stream of income coming in as I would like (for now anyway), and I may be seen to those people who don’t consider writing to be a job as always struggling (which may not be far from accurate) and doing nothing, but I am actually a lot happier then I was when I was working a regular full time job and trying to cram in my dream a few hours every night. I feel as though, as uncertain as where the journey I am on is going to lead me, what isn’t uncertain is that I am in deed on the right journey, for me.
What is the meaning of going through this life if what you are doing, on a day to day basis, pushing towards your future, is not what you want to be doing, if it’s not your purpose? I feel as though being among other artists; other creative people, other people who are considered to be weird and strange; other people whose broad and elaborate imaginations are considered to be eccentric and unrealistic; this is where I belong.
I Have the Write 2 Be Where I Feel I Belong…What is Your Write 2 Be?
The Diary: Succession of Lies (Now Available)
Writing as “Jaycee Durant”
Write 2 Be Magazine is now out so please go check it out at http://write2bemagazine.com/. Also please go and join the magazine on twitter https://twitter.com/write2bemag, join the email listing for the magazine or submit a request for an author interview at Write2bemagazine@yahoo.com, and also like the Write 2 Be Magazine fan page https://www.facebook.com/Write2BeMagazine. Please help support my endeavor and my new journey and help me spread the word about Write 2 Be and its meaning.