Tag: dreams

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The Words You Speak Matter

March 4, 2024 jcladyluv

So, the thing about being back in a situation that you know is toxic out of necessity is that it often times makes you feel powerless and like there’s nothing within your control. Even if things seem slightly decent in the beginning (I mean aside from being constantly miserable because the situation sucks) you know that inevitably the same toxic nature that you worked so hard to escape for years and years on end and to emotionally work past will render its ugly head.

So since being back under the same roof with my mother, I have been uncomfortable, not happy, and made to feel small all over again on a regular basis. Having said that I’ve been trying to make the best out of terrible circumstances because there’s just no other choice right now while I’m working to get back on my feet. I smile hoping that will make me feel better because I know that things could be worse. I also smile to keep myself from crying because that won’t do me any good either. However, in moments when my mother says things that seem purposely designed to be hurtful, the emotions from trauma resurface and there’s just no controlling how insignificant I feel.

The other day, when I chose to buy myself a pair of pajamas on clearance to celebrate me writing over 11,000 words last week, she took the time to remind me that the words I’m writing aren’t currently making me any money, thus being pointless. When I responded with the fact that well if I don’t write then I can’t put any books out to buy, her counterpoint was to say that no one is buying my books anyway so is there a point. Fact of the matter is that while I’m not rolling in the dough from my books (clearly, or I wouldn’t be in my current situation) and I’m not making money hand over fist, there are in fact people that have bought my books. I just watched a panel discussion this past weekend on AuthorTube where someone did in fact buy and read my novel and it seemed as if they actually liked it.

I didn’t bother highlighting this to my mother because honestly it wouldn’t have made any difference to her because clearly my art, my creativity, is worthless in her eyes. I simply said to her “you say the nicest things” with every ounce of sarcasm that I could muster. Then I proceeded to go in the room with my daughter, sit down, and out of nowhere came the tears. My daughter then came and hugged me because she, hearing this whole exchange and being a creative herself, understood the hurt. One could say I should be well past the point where her words can hurt me, but I guess I am not. Words hurt. It’s why words matter so much and what you say to people matter. They can be what motivates a person to keep pushing forward or they can be what causes a person to quit.

There are two kinds of people in this world. The kind that go out of their way to think of the positive thing to say that will help someone see their potential and the light they hold within them. Or the kind of person (like my mother), who goes out of their way to say things they know will hurt someone simply because they don’t care about the feelings of others. They don’t see people’s potential or their light, only their mistakes and their weaknesses. I strive to see the light in others and in myself and I hope that I always remain that kind of person. There’s just no reason to say hurtful things to people just because you can. It serves no purpose.

When I told one of my closest friends about this exchange his words to me were to “use the sludge of that disrespect as fuel to push forward on the next night that I think I’m out of steam.” My favorite thing that he said to me (which may just now be my new motto) is to stay driven on rage and f*ck yous. To let that “dismissive bullshit” be the catalyst that makes me push harder. One thing is for damn sure. I have to hurry up and get the hell out of here or else her need to crush my dreams and my spirit is going to eat away at my soul. So, I am going to stay driven on that rage and those f*ck yous that I would say if she was anyone else but who she is. That’s all I have to share for now. Thank you for letting me vent here and remember that the words you say to the people in your lives matters, so make sure you are careful about what those words are.

Until next time… #BeEmpowered #BeBold #BeMotivated

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Jimmetta Carpenter

CEO/Writer/Editor

Write 2 Be Media/Write 2 Be Magazine

https://jccarpenter.substack.com/

Joy In the Little Things

January 5, 2024 jcladyluv

When it comes to welcoming in a New Year, I am normally very excited with anticipation for whatever is going to come. This year, while I am happy that we are no longer in 2023 (also known as the worst year of my life) I am hesitant to let myself get excited. Not because I don’t wish for good things but just because last year left me feeling a little banged up and bruised and I’m questioning if good things are actually coming. Now that I’ve gotten those feelings out there and can let that go, I will say that I am still holding out lots of optimism for things to turn around and get better this year. I have plans and goals as always, but I did opt to do my goals quarterly this year instead of for the entire year.

My word for the year is Joy and that is what I would like to welcome more of this year. More moments in which I experience the Joys of life and appreciate the happiness that I get from the little things. I want to achieve successes and get some big wins this year but I don’t want to miss out on the smaller, more joyous moments that will undoubtedly come along in pursuit of those things.

Oftentimes we miss the delight that should be felt from little things like walking outside and feeling the sun on your face, or just being able to catch up with an old friend that you hadn’t spoken to in a while. These are precious moments and I hope not to take those for granted anymore because I think I didn’t treasure them enough before. This year I want to hold on to those smaller moments on my way to those bigger ones. After all, aren’t the big moments in our lives just made up of a bunch of smaller ones that happened along the way to make the big dreams possible?

I suppose that is how I also want to look at accomplishing my goals for the year as well. I have some big things that I would like to get accomplished. Let’s face it, I have always been a big goal type of person. What I am usually not as great at is breaking those goals down into the smaller tasks that make it possible for those bigger goals to come to fruition. I am going to try and be better this year about concentrating on the smaller tasks that will ultimately get me to those larger goals. Breaking down my goals into those smaller tasks will not only allow me to better achieve my overall goals but also allow me to enjoy the feeling of accomplishment along the way of the larger journey to the end goal (if that makes sense).

I guess all of that was to say, or to remind everyone as well as myself, not to forget to take pleasure and joy in the little moments in life. Don’t take the smaller victories and milestones for granted in pursuit of the bigger, more elaborate, goals. Every single moment we get on this earth is precious and just because they may not be big and grandiose does not mean that they shouldn’t be treasured and that we shouldn’t take stock in the Joy that they give us. Happy New Year everyone and may 2024 bring all of you small moments of immense Joy and Happiness.

Until next time… #BeMindful #BeOptimistic #BeHappy

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Jimmetta Carpenter

CEO/Writer/Editor

Write 2 Be Media/Write 2 Be Magazine

Here’s to the Month of Planning and the Next Chapter

December 1, 2023 jcladyluv

I can’t believe it’s December already! November was a very hard month, and with the year I’ve had, that’s saying something. Along with the current situation I’ve been in now since the end of May and the fact that it doesn’t seem like it will be getting better before the year is out, I have had to recover from an emergency surgery I certainly didn’t expect to need. I suppose what the circumstances around my surgery taught me was that whatever is meant to happen will happen regardless and sometimes it could be for the better in the end.

Now I don’t mean that having to have emergency surgery is ever a good thing. Of course not. But I was going to just ignore the abdominal pain that I was in. I was going to tough it out and keep pushing forward to try and deal with the life that was crumbling in around me the best I can despite that pain that had decided to pop up out of nowhere. If it weren’t for my daughter insisting that I go to the hospital I would have kept pushing and who knows what would have happened. The doctor certainly seemed to be convinced that had I waited even one more day there could have been dire consequences, and apparently, I had had a hernia for quite some time and just never knew it. The problem was there, just lying dormant, and only just then came to the surface.

I’ve never been very good at taking things easy and sitting down and just resting. I mean even on days that I designate as self-care days I still find myself planning things out that are writing (thus work) related and just doing things to keep busy despite the resting I’m supposed to be doing. The surgery (and perhaps in some way, the Universe) made me have to rest and have to simply be still. It drove me crazy to not be able to do the things that I was used to doing. To not be able to do things for myself and have to rely on other people (mainly my daughter) for help with basic things was frustrating to say the least. The first few weeks I couldn’t even drive which, if you know anything about me, is my peace and my escape when things feel crazy.

I can honestly look back now and say it was probably what I needed. To just have to sit, to rest, to think through things without multi-tasking, to not always be busy with something. To really, truly, just be STILL. I’ve heard that sometimes when you’re not listening to your body and what it’s telling you that the universe will find a way to make you listen. I can confirm, this is true. And guess what. While I was being still, well things didn’t necessarily get any better, situation wise, but they didn’t get any worse either.

Having said all of that, December is typically a planning month for me. It’s where I usually get excited about planning the coming year. It’s when I let my optimism take over and get really hopeful for the good things I think are to come. While my situation this past year has put a slight damper on that optimism, I am still who I am. Meaning I’m still going to make plans and I’m still going to strive for a better year to come.

I can’t say I’m filled with as much hope as I normally would be during this time of year, but I do have a lot of Faith that fills in where hope leaves off and I’m going to run with that Faith. I have Faith that since God hasn’t left my side yet, He’s definitely not going to leave me now. I have Faith that all that I lost this past year will be replaced and replenished with better and more abundant things than I could have even imagined for myself.

A childhood friend of mine told me that when I come out on the other side of this, I’m going to have one hell of a testimony and perhaps that is the reason for all of this happening. I have Faith that my story is only going to get better from here. That it will somehow be an inspiration for others to know that no matter what storms you go through in life, there will be a rainbow on the other side of that storm. This is just another chapter and I’m going to look forward to seeing what the next chapter holds for me. Here’s to next year, and the next chapter, being amazing for us all!

Until next time… #BeOptimistic #BeHopeful #BeMindful

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Jimmetta Carpenter

CEO/Writer/Editor

Write 2 Be Media/Write 2 Be Magazine

When Your Pride Gets Too Heavy to Carry

August 14, 2023 jcladyluv

Pride is a funny thing. They tell you to take pride in yourself for so many things but then when you do have pride people tell you the opposite. They say don’t be so prideful that you end up worse off than if you had just swallowed your pride to begin with. If there is anything that this situation I have been going through since the end of May has taught me is that pride really does have to go out the window sometimes because, what’s that other saying I love so much? Oh yeah, closed mouths don’t get fed.

I mean there is truth to that. No one knows you’re struggling or in need if you don’t say anything. Even in the midst of your struggle, people can be misled to think that things are improving and that you may not need as much help anymore if you stay quiet because you’re too scared or worse, too proud to say you still need the help. I have had to ask people for help that I swore I would never ask, because I didn’t want them to know how bad things were and I didn’t want them to think less of me because I needed the help in the first place.

It may sound silly, but I think that’s the hardest thing about all of this for me. I have to swallow my pride and break down and ask for help and it kills me. It makes me feel inferior and less than. It makes me feel worthless and like I’m useless to everyone around me, especially my daughter. Sure, the logical part of me knows that nothing could be further from the truth, but this is a very emotional time for me right now and logic doesn’t always win out. Needless to say, last week was extremely tough for me and I smiled and tried to act like I was okay because I guess I just wanted to pretend that I actually was okay.

But I am not okay. I miss having a home. I miss having my own space. I miss being able to cook my own meals. I miss my desk, even the crappy bed I had that was falling apart. I miss having a place to call home. I miss the peace that I had within my home. I miss my library of books that I probably will never get back because I am getting ready to lose everything that I was able to salvage and put in storage because I can’t keep the storage unit up AND still keep the room my daughter and I have been staying in. I miss the routine that both my daughter and I had, in our own respective spaces in the home that I had for nearly 23 years. I miss the security that having a place of your own provides. I just miss what was.

I’m trying to stay hopeful that I can not only get it all back somehow but gain back more than what I lost but it’s getting harder to hold onto that hope. This is the place that I come to get everything I’m feeling out because holding onto things is how we can make the problems worse. I hope I can get back to a place where I am okay again but today is not that day. Thank you for letting me express myself.

Until next time… #BeMindful #BePatient #BeinFaith

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Jimmetta Carpenter

CEO/Writer/Editor

Write 2 Be Media/Write 2 Be Magazine

Is My Best Really Good Enough?

July 31, 2023 jcladyluv

I did not win Camp NaNo. Now to be honest I wasn’t as confident this time that I could complete the goal that I had set for this month-long writing challenge, but I held out hope. Right up until the last week I was still hoping that I could push myself harder to finish the task. I did the best I could, but it just wasn’t good enough. Why couldn’t I just buckle down and do what I know needed to be done?

Now one of my amazing friends would probably remind me to have grace with myself. They might even point out that given my current situation it was a win just to have tried and the logical side of me would agree with that. Right now, I’m thinking emotionally and I’m a bit upset with myself. I feel like my best simply wasn’t good enough. Although in terms of writing lately nothing feels like I’ve been doing a good enough job. It doesn’t help that the depression monster is visiting me.

I haven’t really written much of anything since, well since becoming essentially homeless and I am very angry with myself about it. I want to force myself to write but every time I sit down to do so all of the things that I’m stressed about flood my brain instead of words to fill the page. Now I know what you’re thinking. But you’ve been writing blog posts, for example this very post, and isn’t that writing. Yes and no. I consider this more me writing about what I’m feeling, updating you on what’s going on and where my head is at. The creative writing isn’t really flowing the way that I want it to. The way that it should be. That has got to change. I miss writing and I miss the continuity of a writing routine where I can say I wrote a certain number of words, or pages, or hours, in a day. I have to get back to that part of me.

Perhaps this next challenge that I am partaking in for the month of August will help with that. I’ll just say it’s writing something that I’ve never actually written before but have been longing to write. To find out what this challenge is stay tuned to my YouTube channel for the announcement tomorrow (August 1^st) because I’m really excited about it. I’m excited to get back to the creative side of writing and not just a little bit on one day and then maybe a little more a week or two later. I’m excited to write something new and I’m excited to write with some consistency and since this is challenge that I’m doing in a collaborative way I feel like that will encourage me all the more to just sit down and do it.

I hope that I can do it. I hope that I can get back to that creative part of writing that I love as much as breathing. If you have been feeling like you haven’t been doing enough in any particular area of your life, you’re not alone. Know that you are doing the best that you can, even when it doesn’t feel that way. Give yourself a bit of grace and then get right back at it and try again. You can do this and so can I. We’ve got this!

Until next time… #BeDiligent #BeMindful #BeEmpowered

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Jimmetta Carpenter

CEO/Writer/Editor

Write 2 Be Media/Write 2 Be Magazine

Never Be Afraid to Take Up Space

July 17, 2023 jcladyluv

I started thinking last night about how tired I have been feeling. Not just in the physical sense of the word but also mentally and emotionally. I mean in terms of how long I’ve been fighting to make all the things in my life, all the dreams I’ve had for my life, all of the passion I feel towards writing happen and still nothing. Now I’m not saying I haven’t accomplished anything and I certainly never had any expectations of being some overnight success but I will say that I had expected to meet some sustainable level of contentment by the time I was in my 40’s. My level of success doesn’t necessarily equate to fame and fortune (not that those two things wouldn’t also be nice), just simply being able to keep myself afloat and perhaps be able to be in a position to help others. Neither of which have happened clearly as I am currently living out of a hotel room, and even that is in jeopardy from day to day. Some days I just want to give up the fight.

On those days that I just want to throw in the towel and give up I always seem to come across something that motivates me to keep on going. Be it a verse in the bible or an inspirational talk from someone I admire, or sometimes both, something always sparks that drive to just keep hanging in there and go forward, don’t look back. I watched a short speech from actress Sheryl Lee Ralph last night (here’s the link in case you wish to be inspired as well) and she talked about all of the no’s she’s heard in her career and the power that believing in yourself holds. She pondered on what would have happened if she had stopped and given up with every no she heard or every door that closed in her face. She certainly wouldn’t have been in the position to have won her first ever Emmy in her 60’s and become the second African American woman to become an EGOT (Whoopi Goldberg being the first).

She talked about how powerful just the simple act of believing in herself truly was. She had made a promise a long time ago in her career, after hearing a very loud and absurd no from a producer, to always give herself permission to take up space in whatever room she entered, whatever creative field she wanted to dip her toe in. She would not give up on herself no matter what. The truth is if you don’t believe in you then why would anyone else. It’s not that I have never believed in myself. Quite frankly most of the time I think that I am the only person that believes in me but there are days where even that is in question, and I start to wonder do I belong in this field. Are the decks stacked against me for a reason? The doors keep closing, so maybe I just should stop knocking.

Then I start to shift and think maybe the real problem is that I haven’t given myself permission to take up the space that I need to take up. I’ve been trying to fit in whatever space someone would allow me to be in and is that what truly believing in yourself looks like? Maybe I shouldn’t be knocking on the doors, but rather knocking them down (metaphorically of course lol) instead? Maybe my problem to begin with was aiming to just be content instead of seeking the abundant life that God has told me I’m entitled to (John 10:10). Rather than setting the bar too high perhaps I haven’t been setting the bar high enough. There’s no such thing as believing in yourself too much or having too much faith. After all, faith can make broken wings fly and soar, and enable you to take up all of the space in the world that you need. I’m ready to take up some space, are you?

Until next time… #BeConfident #BeBold #BeFearless

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Jimmetta Carpenter

CEO/Writer/Editor

Write 2 Be Media/Write 2 Be Magazine

Nowhere Else to Go From Here But Up

June 5, 2023 jcladyluv

It’s been a couple of weeks since my last blog post and to say that things in my world have changed drastically would be quite the understatement. While I don’t always feel the need to share every single facet of my life, I do pride myself on being as authentic and transparent about this writing journey, and life in general (because life itself even without such high ambitions is a journey) so since everything can’t always be sunshine and roses here goes total vulnerability. I am now homeless and currently writing this post as I am temporarily in a hotel room that I am sharing with my daughter who still lives at home with me (because she is in college but is doing her classes online from home).

On Friday, May 19^th, in the shadiest way ever, I was evicted from my home of nearly 23 years (would have been 23 in October). I say shady because while I’m not going to act like I was completely caught up in my rent, I had fallen a bit behind, however, I had an arrangement with my prior property manager (who I did not know had left the property until this eviction happened) because she knew that I had been a valued tenant for more than two decades and that I had applied for some assistance programs the state has to help those who are self-employed and had fallen behind (due to Covid) and that I am also applying for disability (which is still waiting to be processed). Well without any word to any of the residents, they replaced the old property manager with a new one who did not value my long-standing tenancy and did not honor the prior arrangement that I had and effectively gave me five minutes for me and my daughter to grab what we could and leave.

You can imagine that we weren’t able to grab much. You can also imagine that the very first things I grabbed were all writing related (like my laptop and the notebooks I was currently using). We managed to put a large amount of stuff in a storage unit but it certainly wasn’t everything and when we came back later everything that was left was gone. My desk, the vast majority of our clothes, everything. My neighbor who had been living beside me for the last 15 of those years and we always made sure to check in on each other, gave me enough to get a room for me and my daughter the first two nights and a church friend helped with the third night for that first weekend. A GoFundMe was started on Monday and while I haven’t reached my goal yet, a large amount was raised and that is how we are still able to stay in the same hotel room that we got that first night (at a discounted rate because the hotel manager took pity on me).

I won’t lie and say that this wasn’t a traumatizing event. Every time I think of something else I lost in all of that I get a little emotional and my daughter’s words to me were “did they have to be so joyful about throwing our stuff out” and that will stick with me too. I try to always stay positive and see the good in everything but it’s a little hard in this case. That said, everything does happen for a reason and even though I’m not completely sure what that reason is right now I’m sure it will reveal itself to me in time. Perhaps this needed to happen to push me to a level that makes me feel uncomfortable and out of sorts. They say sometimes the best things grow out of what you feel are the worst things that can happen to you and if that’s true then I must be due for some really good things down the line.

I have taken the last two weeks to stew and to settle into this new reality of mine, one that I hope doesn’t last for a long time, but I can’t pretend that this isn’t going to be a hard road to getting back on track. In saying that I also realize that the work doesn’t stop, and shouldn’t stop, just because life threw me a major curve ball. I still have books to put out (another poetry book is releasing on Friday June 9^th) and that I don’t still have dreams that must be accomplished one way or another. That’s the thing that each obstacle in life teaches me over and over again. I am a fighter, and I don’t quit. I will always get back up when I get knocked down and the thing about hitting rock bottom is that there is literally nowhere else to go but up! So no matter what obstacles you are facing, you’re not alone and the one thing that you can’t do is give up. Stay in the fight and keep striving for those dreams!

Until next time… #BeDiligent #BeFearless #BeCourageous

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Jimmetta Carpenter

CEO/Writer/Editor

Write 2 Be Media/Write 2 Be Magazine

The Fruit is the Last to Grow

May 15, 2023 jcladyluv

I wrote a post a few weeks ago about my frustration about all the unseen work that goes into what I do and how I just wish that what I’m doing would finally start to bear fruit. It is hard to put constant effort into something day in and day out and just never see anything grow from it. Certainly not the picture of growth that you had in your mind anyway. Then I was reminded the other day when someone sent me a message to not give up and to keep pushing through along with a quote about the fact that the very last thing anyone ever sees growing on a fruit tree is the actual fruit.

It made me think long and hard about all the seed planting that people do, the watering for their dreams and ideas to grow, and even then, you only get sprouts at first, then maybe some twigs or small branches, some leaves of varying nature and finally, after all of that you see the beginnings of the fruit. Not even the whole fruit by the way. Just the beginnings as they peak through and start to finally get some sunlight. It can take up to five years to see a fully formed piece of fruit grow on a tree. Think about how long of a time that must feel like for the person who did the planting of said tree.

As I think that I have mentioned many times here before, patience is not my strong suit. That said when it’s something that you’ve dreamed about having or doing for the vast majority of your life, patient is the only thing you can be. I have been writing since I was a young girl and am only just now starting to publish my work so I can’t expect for my online store with my writing products to just take off right? I mean, obviously I thought it would be doing a little better than it’s doing right now but I took my time to open my online store because I wanted it to be products I believe in and not just something thrown together for the sake of earning an income. I’m willing to wait it out to see it become what I envisioned in my mind it could be.

Seeing this quote also reminded me of something else though. I saw another saying, along those lines, and it said that the best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago and the second-best time is now! If the trees we plant (or in this case the seeds of our dreams that we sow) take at the very least five years for us to see the fruit, then what am I waiting for as it pertains to some other things that I have in mind to do. Writing and having an online store with writing products isn’t the extent of my dreams. I keep waiting, thinking that there will be a perfect time, or at least a better time, to start the other things on my list of dreams to accomplish but time is the only thing that none of us can guarantee. None of us is promised tomorrow or next week, or next month, or even next year.

I’m not trying to sound bleak just trying to put out there what I am just starting to realize. That if you have something that you are dreaming about, constantly, and you see everything it can be in your mind, then start now. Don’t wait for some magical perfect time because there is no such thing. One could argue that maybe there’s a better time, a more financially feasible time, but who knows when that could be or how long it can take. If the seeds we sow today are going to take, bear minimum, five years to materialize then why not start planting them now. They may grow slowly and while you are watering and fertilizing those seeds it may seem like the wait is taking forever but inevitably, they will grow. While you’re waiting just remember that the trees that are slow to grow often bear the best fruit!

Until next time… #BeDiligent #BeConsistent #BePatient

Jimmetta Carpenter

CEO/Writer/Editor

Write 2 Be Media/Write 2 Be Magazine

This Season I Am In…

April 17, 2023 jcladyluv

I’ve been trying to learn to love the season of life I am in but I’m not going to lie, it’s not easy when you feel like you should be in a much different place than you actually are. In my head I know that everything that happens to us or around us, happens for a reason but a lot of those reasons don’t seem apparent right away. It takes patience to be able to appreciate the tough times in life just as much, if not more, than you do the good times and as anyone who knows me knows, patience is not my strong suit.

I get frustrated with the things that I can’t make sense of. I mean there are things that I make mistakes in and genuinely know and understand that this error falls on me because I messed up. However, when I know that I’m doing everything that I can, that I am busting my (pardon my French) ass to make things happen the best way that I know how with the tools that I have (because I don’t always have the tools that I need but I do the best I can) and then I still don’t see the results that I should see it’s frustrating and it’s stressful.

There is supposed to be a time for everything and a purpose for every struggle, but I keep wondering what is the purpose of me being held down and pushed back. Every time I get right to the place where I think I might be about to break through, I just keep getting knocked back down. I don’t stay down mind you, because I don’t quit, but with every hit I find that it’s taking me a little longer to pull myself back up.

I know that nothing worth having in life ever comes easy or without hard work and I don’t have a problem with that. It just starts to feel pointless when you never see anything, or much anyway, come from that hard work. Some days I can appreciate that when I finally do break through (because I will), no one will ever be able to say I didn’t work hard for it, or that I didn’t earn that breakthrough. However, I would also greatly appreciate at least one clear path to the next level.

In any event, I guess this too shall pass. Like so many of you, I’ll just have to keep on pushing that boulder up a hill until I get through this set of obstacles. I definitely will be taking some hard-earned lessons with me into the next season of my life and with any semblance of luck and an infinite amount of Faith the next season will be my greatest yet to come. Here’s to a better season if this one has been a rough one for you too.

Until next time… #BePatient #BeTenacious #BeDiligent

Jimmetta Carpenter

CEO/Writer/Editor

Write 2 Be Media/Write 2 Be Magazine